March 5th

March 5th… a day that has been haunting me since July 21st when we found out the babies did not have heartbeats…their due date.

Knowing twins come early, the entire month of February has been a constant “Could today have been the day?”. While we were watching TV the other night I brought it up to Brian, and after asking me yet again why I torture myself, he said, “They’d be here by now.” Silence followed…maybe he went back to watching The Olympics, but I didn’t. I was lost in thought about what our lives could be like…what our lives should be like right now.

I am part of a group called, PLC- a forum for woman who are trying to conceive. Brian introduced me to one of his friends, Lindsey, and she invited me to join this group of 25 or so women who use this forum as a place to celebrate, vent and cry. We’ve seen each other lose pregnancies, even the loss of a baby this past year which was utterly gut wrenching to learn of. I’ve also seen miracles, absolute true miracles. We’ve all formed this strange Internet friendship and conversations now go far beyond trying to conceive. It’s a very safe place to say all of those things you wouldn’t ever say outloud. These girls make me laugh outloud all the time while reading through the posts.

Last night when I got home I had a card waiting, and the name in the return address sounded so familiar to me but I couldn’t place it. When I opened it I saw it was from a PLC friend- Janelle. How did she even get my address? It was a sweet note, letting me know she was thinking of me and encouraging me to stay strong. It brought tears to my eyes- so unexpected and so incredibly thoughtful. Janelle’s baby son, Tyler, died month or so after giving birth about 7 months ago…and here she is sending me a card…supporting me...how nice is that?

So March 5th, please hurry and up and pass us by. I would greatly appreciate it.