Is it strange we consider this good news?

I guess when you've gone through what we have, our perception of "good news" may be strange to some.

I spoke with a geneticist yesterday and after reviewing the fetal tissue, he concluded that there is absolutely no reason to have any concern that there is something genetically wrong with Brian or I. He feels our loss was a "fluke", Mother Nature's way...

Our baby had Turner's Syndrome- a chromosomal defect that affects girls only. 80% of these pregnancies do not make it to birth. In the grand scheme of life I am thankful it ended at 9 weeks, not 9 months. That would be a whole different bucket of grief.

We met with our RE as well yesterday- and World, I did not even cry! I deserve some sort of prize for that. I think they were all waiting for it, and couldn't figure out why we were in good spirits.

I've made peace with this loss in the aspect that God took from me something that wasn't meant to be. And I agree with his decision. That doesn't make the disappointment any less, that doesn't make the knot in my throat or emptiness in my heart any less, but I understand.

We have a new plan underway for Baby Dew Attempt #4 and I pray with all that I am we make it through with our love, sanity and a healthy pregnancy.

March 5th

March 5th… a day that has been haunting me since July 21st when we found out the babies did not have heartbeats…their due date.

Knowing twins come early, the entire month of February has been a constant “Could today have been the day?”. While we were watching TV the other night I brought it up to Brian, and after asking me yet again why I torture myself, he said, “They’d be here by now.” Silence followed…maybe he went back to watching The Olympics, but I didn’t. I was lost in thought about what our lives could be like…what our lives should be like right now.

I am part of a group called, PLC- a forum for woman who are trying to conceive. Brian introduced me to one of his friends, Lindsey, and she invited me to join this group of 25 or so women who use this forum as a place to celebrate, vent and cry. We’ve seen each other lose pregnancies, even the loss of a baby this past year which was utterly gut wrenching to learn of. I’ve also seen miracles, absolute true miracles. We’ve all formed this strange Internet friendship and conversations now go far beyond trying to conceive. It’s a very safe place to say all of those things you wouldn’t ever say outloud. These girls make me laugh outloud all the time while reading through the posts.

Last night when I got home I had a card waiting, and the name in the return address sounded so familiar to me but I couldn’t place it. When I opened it I saw it was from a PLC friend- Janelle. How did she even get my address? It was a sweet note, letting me know she was thinking of me and encouraging me to stay strong. It brought tears to my eyes- so unexpected and so incredibly thoughtful. Janelle’s baby son, Tyler, died month or so after giving birth about 7 months ago…and here she is sending me a card…supporting me...how nice is that?

So March 5th, please hurry and up and pass us by. I would greatly appreciate it.

Operation Self Loathing- Week #2

Week #2 starts today.

Thanks to all who kept me honest last week. 3 Kickboxing Classes, 2 days of Cardio on my own, and dog walks. Oh, and eating frozen WW meals that give me the creeps. Down a few pounds too.

My challenge this week, you ask? As of last night we are doing a lot of restructuring to positions at BDHPI which means the next 3 evenings and booked. Normally this would be my excuse to not go, but the new Bree is figuring out a way to still fit the gym in.

I'll let you know how it goes.

We need a 3rd

We need a 3rd member of this family so we can stop with the self portraits! We had a great date night last night at Shanahan's. The food was soooo good, cocktails went down like water, service was excellent and the company was pretty good too.

I spend a lot of time worrying about what we don't have and the stress of all of this pregnancy stuff, so it was a great reminder of what I do have. Brian and I didn't get married to just have kids...we got married because we are each other's best friend and true love. It was a good reminder of that.

Anger Management?

Is anyone noticing a theme in my last several posts on this dear blog? Cause I see a lot of anger. I had this conversation with a friend yesterday who is going through the same loss issues I am, and I think I am angry about what we've been through and it is unkindly spilling into all areas of my life. To the woman in the parking lot, to my body, at my computer, to the woman who has more than 20 items in the express line, to the woman who joyfully jumped around in front of me yesterday at the fertility clinic announcing her pregnancy to anyone breathing and mostly to my dear husband, who is on the receiving end of my easily irritated self. Maybe I will give this some more thought over a bottle of wine tonight?

I wonder if there is a pill for anger and annoyance? If so, please send some...overnight mail, please.

As a sidenote, Operation Self Loathing is going quite well. Hard workouts every night this week and feeling good, well really sore, but good. Kickboxing at 9am tmrw morning at 24 Hour. Come join me.

Dear A-Hole

Dear A-hole,

Yes, I am talking to you, the jerk who plowed into my BMW and drove away without leaving a note. Who raised you? Because they clearly did not do a good job.

I would like to thank you for ruining my morning. It is not enjoyable when your husband wakes you up with the news your car has been hit. Nor it is enjoyable when The Dent Doctor takes one look at the car and declares, "There is structural damage. We can't help", and than adds we are looking at $1500-$2000 worth of damage.

The only thing that is going to make me angrier is when we are dropped by our insurance company.

So, again, thanks for being such a considerate, ethical person. You should be so proud of what you have become.

Love,

Mrs. Dew

Operation Stop Self Loathing- Week #1

I am publicly declaring that the time has come to confront this body o'mine.

Enough complaining.
Enough self loathing.
Enough excuses.
Enough of tight clothes.
Enough self loathing.
Enough mind games.
Enough doubt.
Enough waiting around for a baby.
Enough self loathing (do we see a pattern?)

Why I am a very lucky lady who is loved by a man who thinks she is beautiful, this lady isn't loving herself much these days.

I am not going to even pretend I am going to be one of those crazy gym rats who eats celery all day long, but I certainly can afford to make some changes.

So, in hopes that a public declaration will encourage me to take action I am officially declaring, on this blog, that Operation Stop Self Loathing started this morning and we will finish our day at with Kickboxing at 5:30 at the Colorado/Yale 24 Hour Fitness should you want to join me.

I would love partner in pain, oops, I mean work out partner...even a virtual partner would be wonderful. Who wants to hold me accountable? Who wants to work out too? We could even start some sort of email accountability thing-y with some sort of serious consequence if one falls off?

This has been a lifelong struggle for me, and I need to get this back under control. Do you?

I have 2-3 months before Baby Dew Attempt #4 begins, so I might as well use my timely wisely!

I will check back in with you next Monday to let you know how Week #1 went. My goal for this week is 4-5 gym classes this week, plus the mandatory daily walks with the pups that I started while pg. Zumba is Thursday...wanna come shake it with me?

Valentine's Day 2010

Valentine's Day was a nice one for the BDews...slept in until 8:45...lunch with the rents at Brewery Bar...Olympics...yum-o dinner courtesy of Tony's Meats. And most importantly, a great love to celebrate.

Dinner at our dining room table, which rarely occurs. The table and dogs were very confused:

Gift #1- Brian's dad, Tom Dew, passed away when Bri was 18 months old. We were sent these photos so I had a mat cut to size and framed them.

Gift #2- The BRILLIANT gift I mentioned in an earlier post. I got a bit worried with all the "hype" around this gift and pondered if I had gotten too big for my britches to make such a declaration?! Ultimately I've decided it is pretty wonderful. Under the supervision of my Creative Director Kari, we created this masterpiece....a shadow box filled with all of our wedding memorbilia! Our handwritten vows, the sheet music to our 1st dance, invites, photos, wedding program, honeymoon ticket stubs, etc.

(As a total sidenote, check out the photos of the boys taken by our wedding photographer during our family photo shoot in Nov. Are they not the most darling things you've ever seen? www.trystanphotography.com)

Our Song:

BLESS THE BROKEN ROAD:

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

On a good note....

Meet Lola, who is bringing a lot of laughter to our house.

Did I just do that?

This is the scene I encountered as a came out of King Soopers to load my car:

Parked next to me was a broken-down-filty-crappy car, filled with a screaming baby & toddler. A mother was angrily throwing groceries into the back of the car. As I opened my trunk, I noticed a little girl, maybe 4 or so, standing by my drivers side door, sticking her finger in and out of the grates on the grocery cart. I smiled and her, and she shyly looked the other way.

Here is the conversation that followed: In fear of burning your eyes with curse words, I will abbreviate the obscene cursing.

Mother to little girl" STOP f'ing touching the basket! I SAID STOP F'ing touching the basket"

Little girl quickly pulls her finger away (and, seriously is a 4 yr old finger on the basket really a problem?)

A few moments later I hear the same disgusting tone from the mother saying the same thing. The mother steps around the cart, and to my horror shoves the little girl backyards and walks away. This poor little girl stumbles back, and trips backwards over and into a water/snow pothole. I gasped!

Mother to little girl "See, EVERYTIME SINGLE TIME I TAKE YOU ANYWHERE YOU RUIN IT! RUIN IT! God D*amn it, F*uck!" My eyes meet the little girls and huge crocdile tears filled in her eyes.

I quickly walk around my car to get behind the little girl. I lifted her up off the wet ground. As I did, I whispered in her ear, "Your Mommy doesn't mean that, she must just be tired today!", for which the little girl looked up at me and quietly said, "Yes she does, she tells me that everyday!". My eyes filled with the same tears and for a moment wondered if I could throw her in my car and drive away without worry!

The mom reappears, sighs in complete digest and says to me, "ughhh, Don't help her! She doesn't need your help! GET IN THE F'ING CAR RIGHHHHHHHT NOW!G'Damint, now you're all wet!"

The little girl turns and quickly asks me, "What's your name?", I answer, and she pats me on my arm and says, "Thank you for being so nice to me today, Miss Bree", and climbed into that hell hole of a car.

At this point, it's just me and this thing that was supposed to be her Mother. Our eyes met, my mind was reeling with what was going to come next. Shelooked me up and down, gave the BMW a disgusting look, huffed and walked to her drivers door.

And the following came out of my mouth before I knew it:

"And for the record, you just ruined my F'ing Day, and you are an awful Mother!"

And than I got in my car and drove home in tears.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

The tears continued in our driveway while a bewildered Brian tried to figure out why I was returning from the grocery in tears. They later continued as I re-told the story to Nik.

Now, I certainly can appreciate a long day that turns into being crabby with those you love. I can certainly appreciate it is tiring to have 3 children..tho, that last one comes with the fact that you the Mother chose to have 3 kids, it was not their choice, nor is it their fault.

Why in the world does a crazy lady like that have 3 kids, which she clearly does not appreciate nor treat with a kind hand, and I have two miscarriages under my belt?

And most scary to me, is if this woman treats her kids like this in public, what does she do in private? As I left I realized I should have gotten her license plate number, and as I circled back she was already gone.

That little girls face will stay with me for quite some time.

So as a warning, not only will I freak out on you if I see you treating a dog with ill will, I will now also go ape sh*t on you for children as well. Consider yourself warned.

Odds

My good friend got pregnant a month of so after my first miscarriage- you may remember a post about how I burst into tears when she told me. I still feel awful for that. Sadly, she miscarried that pregnancy a few weeks later. It was like watching history repeats itself so soon after my own loss.

When I was 7 weeks pregnant this last time, she found out she was pregnant again. We were both so excited at the thought of going through our pregnancies together. She obviously felt horrible when we lost this pregnancy. Bri and I were so sad to learn that she received the awful news today her baby no longer has a heartbeat. It is almost too eery, that our patterns of pregnancy and loss are so similar.

So, in this past year between myself, this friend and another good friend who has been trying to have a baby for the past 4 years we've had 5 pregnancies between the 3 of us, and 5 miscarriages. What kind of odds are those? It is too cruel to even wrap my head around.

The only thing I've been clinging to is that we when do all have babies it will be the most increidble & amazing experience. I can't wait to when we are able to share the joy of parenthood, and not the sadness of loss.

Every night I remind myself God will never give me more than I can handle.It may not always be pretty, but I am amazed by the resilience of life.

So here's to healing, finding answers, moving on & hope.

The lesser of two evils?

I got a phone call from our Nurse last night. She said our RE didn't want to make us wait until our appt on the 25th for the results of our fetal tissue testing.

The good news is that it does not appears this was a "me" issue, in terms of there being signs that we are now looking at a 2nd loss with no answers. The bad news is that the fetus has tremendous chromosomal abnormalities.

Clearly the majority of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities...but here is the million dollar question...did we have more issues than normal, or do we just know more than the average person due to our level of care? I've asked a few friends who have had miscarriages and they say all they've ever been given is the broad answer of m/c due to chromosomal abnormalities but have never thought to question it past that (and, lets get real, I am a Munger and will always ask and ask questions!)

So, neither of us really know what to think. We believe this is situation is the lesser of two evils, but we are both bothered the Nurse said we will need to go thru extensive screening ourselves.

We understand a miscarriage is Mother Nature's way of ending a pregnancy that wouldn't give us a healthy baby, and I think we are both making piece with that. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but at least it is easier to come to grips with than the last time when they told us the twins were perfectly healthy babies by all accounts.

We did learn that they think this was another girl. That news is always comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.

We will learn more about next steps on the 25th. Until than, I will keep gagging away on my chinese herbs...

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day 2007 has always been a joke between Brian and I...our first Valentine's Day was not much to write home about. We had met in December '06 and than in January Brian tried to break up with me. We were apart 2 weeks, and when he could not longer resist, re-appeared with flowers and a memorable night at Wash Park Grill.

As that first Valentine's Day approached, Brian, who was still shaky about this whole "relationship" thing declared on night, "Um, well, um, um,um, can we not make a big deal out of this Valentine's Day? I don't like the day, and um, well, um, since we are just figuring things out, well, um...." I, of course agreed.

Driving home that night I laughed at this poor boy who was trying so hard to not recognize our relationship, that I decided in true 'Bree Fashion' I would make him sorry he was being such a baby. On Valentine's Day I decorated his door with tons of banners and left a huge bunch of red and pink balloons in front of his garage so he would have to get out of his car to move them to enter. I laughed all day...see if he ever tries to downplay a Holiday again (which, btw, he never has)

So, as this Valentine's Day is approaching, I was trying to think of what we should do, where we should go to dinner? Those thoughts are always quickly dampened by the fact we shouldn't be wasting money on such silly things when we have new floors and medical bills that need our attention. That said, I came up with the most BRILLIANT Valentine's Day gift- in fact, it is a dual gift, for both of us. So Bri, don't get me anything this year, as that I am getting something for both of us to share.

I am only sorry I have to wait 2 weeks to share my brilliance with him!

Yes, We're alive

I feel like a super blogger...I am getting texts and emails from people saying I haven't posted in since last week and they are worried about me :)

We are doing ok...moments of that blah feeling where you can't quite figure out what is bothering you, or why you are so easily annoyed... until you remember. Moments of not really be all that excited about anything, moments of pretending all is well so you don't seem like the person who likes to throw pity parties. But there are also moments of confidence where things do seem ok, moments when I really do go a whole hour without thinking about it, and moments where I do crack completely inappropriate jokes about the whole situation ( for which only my husband, sister & friend Heidi can appreciate w/o giving me looks of complete & utter horror)

Unfortunately the body takes a while to figure out what has happened...so the exhaustion, sore body parts, & upset stomach unfairly lingers long after it should. The signs and symptoms of pregnancy, which I used to so proudly share with Brian and anyone who would listen, are now unwanted and unappreciated. There is something seriously wrong when you hear/read pregnant people talk of their symptions and you think to yourself, " check, check, yup, I still have those too."

I am also still "counting"...ie, I would have been 11wks yesterday. I did with this the last pregnancy too. Brian would ask,"Why do you torture yourself?", and I couldn't help it. The good news is I no longer do that with the 1st pregnancy, so I can only assume I will lose count with this one as well.

On the upside, I am working with a new acupuncturist. This lady is "the real deal"- even writes her notes in Chinese. She has me on 5 days of a new herb to help cleanse my body...and while I assume she means my uterus, every morning and night I come damn close to cleansing my stomach as that I gag and gag while trying to drink it all down. I am going to see her every week for the next month, than will go every other week until Baby Dew Attempt #4 happens. She snaps her fingers at me and says, "Sure, Sure, this no problem!" I am glad to finally find someone with such confidence in my body!

The gym is also calling, which will start next week. Boo.

On Sat night by sister and nephews were up visiting. I went into our bedroom to check on the boys, who were tucked in our bed watching movies. I said to Coop, "You better not be touching my BB"- which is my childhood blankie and a running joke between us that we are not supposed to snuggle with one another's prized possession. Coop looked at me and said, "Auntie B, your baby is dead, how can I be touching it?". I actually laughed at the misunderstanding, and the complete look of horror Jack gave him. Than Coop said, "Ohhhhhh, your BB. Well, that's not dead. That's right here" he said as he patted the bed, "Silly me! Want it?".....and life goes on.