We are bringing this year to a close. It was my most profound year...I lost a parent and 5 months later became one myself. It doesn't get more significant than that.

I think of my Dad every day, multiple times a day. I think of his passing often and what an incredible gift that it was to be there, holding his hand, when he took his last breath. It was the single most precious moment of my life.

Sydney James Dew, named in his honor, joined us on October 12, 2011 and filled our hearts. She made me whole and in the single moment of her birth, wiped away that dark cloud that had been hanging over me for the last 3 years. I am overwhelmed with my love for her and for my husband who gave me this precious girl. Neither of them will ever truly understand how deep my love runs.

I know my Dad watches over her and I know he already saved her life once. I very much feel his presence in her.

Our Dew side of the family was also granted their own personal Christmas miracle when my brother- n- law received the gift of LIFE, in the form of a double lung transplant. There are no words to describe the magnitude of this gift and the relief it brought to all, but mostly to Becky and their girls. Our hearts will always be very heavy for the Donor family who lost their loved one right before the Holidays. Such joy from such tragedy will never make sense.

We also said goodbye to our Zachey Poo Dew, the Great Dane who taught me about the love of a rescue dog. His passing coincided with Dad's, so I often think about how I haven't really mourned him. I know it sounds silly but the night I came home in between my Dad's passing and his funeral, I turned a corner in our house and swear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I saw him lying in "his spot" on our couch. It was comforting and freaky all at the same time. I guess I still very much feel him in our lives. We also said goodbye to Lily Dew, a permanent foster, who loved me very much.

2011 will go down in the record books as the year that brought me the greatest joy and the greatest sadness I've ever known. It is a very strange to have such two polar opposite feelings.

I am excited to see what 2012 hold in store for us.

I hope for healing and continued happiness.

May all of you who are reading this find peace & happiness. For those of you reading this who are still longing to become parents ('cause I know there are a few of you) , don't give up hope... it may be ugly, it may be tough, but life can change in an instant. I wish for you the joy I've finally been given.

Welcome 2012!!!

Our Celebration

I am not going to lie, missing Dad was a huge part of this weekend. There were a lot of tears, but there was also a lot of joy, mostly in part to these three beautiful souls:




Our family looks like this now...one is missing, one is new. The Lord works in mysterious ways.



This girl got a lot of attention this year. I am so thankful for her and for the joy she brings to the family.

Here is my best present:

Syd received the most thoughtful gift from Auntie Nik and Uncle Mike. This says, " If you can read, you can do anything"- Grandpa Munger. This was a saying that Dad always said to us our entire lives. It will now hang in Syd's room as a wonderful representation of her Grandpa.

Jack & Coop love our girl and it fills my heart when they ask if they can hold her or when I see them sneak a kiss. Precious!

My Mom worked with Mike to create beautiful bound books for Nik and I that are filled with all of the Caring Bridge entries, the letters that were read at Dad's funeral and some pictures of that day. I will forever treasure this keepsake.

Life sure has changed since last Christmas...in ways that I could never have imagined. I am so thankful for all that we've been blessed with and pray that the coming year brings more healing.

Christmas Card 2011

Merry Christmas from the BDews!

Polar Express 2011

With the loss of Dad, Mom has been told by grief counselors that we need to create new traditions to "mix it up" as we approach a tough holiday. With that in mind, Grandma wants to do a fun new event each year. This year was the Polar Express, next year she is going to rent a suite at Hotel Monaco so we can watch the Parade of Lights from the warmth of a hotel room.

We got up bright and early (hours before Syd's regular wake up call) and heading South to Canon City with the whole family and the Perry's. We boarded the Royal Gorge Train, which had been transformed into the Polar Express. We ate lunch, the kids ran around, Santa visited, and sang carols. The best part was that it had a bar for us adults!

We had a great day that ended with a stop at local winery.

It was a great family day and made me so excited see Syd next year at this time!

2 Months Old

Syd, you are two months old. Quite possibly the fastest two months of my life. I often try to remember life before you, but it's hard. My days and nights are consumed by you. If I am not with you, I am thinking of you. I guess that is what Motherhood is all about.

You smiled for the first time a week ago. I had to work hard for that smile. My face actually hurt from smiling at you! Now, a week later, you smile all the time. You even giggled on Thursday- I thought my heart was going to burst.

You are so beautiful and I get stopped where ever I go by complete strangers telling me how pretty they think you are! It makes me so proud.

We have 3 weeks left together before I have to go back to work. I am sick even thinking about it. I never thought I would be the kind of woman who would be happy staying home, but it turns out I am! It is the right thing to do for our family so I will go...but not without a lot of complaining and dramatics to your Dad!

Syd, we love you so much it hurts. You've got Daddy wrapped around your finger and you bring a calm to him like I've never seen before. You made us whole.

Love

Mommy

Coming Full Circle

Have you ever met a new friend and know it was meant to be? This is how I feel about my dear friend, Lisa Cecchini.

We started working at The Hartford a few weeks apart. We planned weddings together, struggeled with fertility treatments together, struggeled with miscarriages together, lost Fathers together, celebrated healthy pregnancies together, we even attended breastfeeding classes together! Our husbands have even become friends and this week, we celebrated by far the most life changing, full circle moment...on Tuesday Lisa and Corey became parents to this beautiufl boy.

Charlie Cecchini is here! I felt such a sense of relief yesterday once I knew he was here.

Now, our friendship can add becoming Mothers together.

We love you Charlie!

5 Years

5 years ago today I met Brian for the first time. 4 months later he moved in, 3 months after that he proposed and the rest, as they say, is history.

Syd's Tree

One of my favorite days of the year...the purchase of the Christmas Tree! The different kinds, the smells, the jolly worker guys at Home Depot, the cold air, the hard decision of which tree to buy!

This year, it was a tad cold! So cold, the trees were frozen as they were wrapped. So there wasn't an opportunity really see what the tree looked like before buying it. I was ridden with a bit of anxiety over this dilemma. Bri made the final decision, for which he would wear the blame if this darn tree thawed and was a hot mess.

But he picked right. The tree is beautiful. It literally makes me happy to walk into our family room.

The BDews had a great weekend. I got my tree, and Daddy spent all day Sunday with this girl watching football!

Practicing

SJ just practicing her wink and smile!

Christmas time has arrived

I love me some Christmas decorations. Brian laughs at my obsession, but is kind enough to oblige me.

The day after Thanksgiving has historically been when I break out the decorations and Bri hangs the lights. This was our plan. It usually takes an hour or two. However, that was BS (Before Sydney). Today, AS (After Sydney), it took all day. Crabby baby=decorating with one hand...and do you know how hard that is?

Our next task is our family photo for our holiday card. I am insisting the dogs remain a part of it...I refuse to be "that family" that has a kid and than removes the dogs. Let's see if I continue to be that optimistic after our photo session tomorrow.

Next weekend is the tree which makes me smile just thinking about!

Thanksgiving Re Cap

I gave lots and lots and lots of thanks for this:

We had a fun and chaotic afternoon with these great ladies (hubbies were hiding downstairs). Dinner was delicious and I was thankful for the joyous mood we all shared...I was secretly terrified we would all spend it crying. Brian Mulloy did a give very nice blessing that did honor those that were not with us and the Munger girls did shed a tear, but it was brief.

Auntie Nik had a custom outfit made on ETSY for her, and it was nearly impossible to get a good pic of it! Syd got very tired trying!

Brian and I kept telling Syd all day how thankful we were for her...deeply, deeply thankful!

Giving Thanks

I don't think it will take a brain surgeon to figure out what I am thankful for this year...8lbs of pure cutness, love and joy.

As we approach this Thanksgiving, I am reminded of all the years past of sad Thanksgiving's for me...as I waited, hoped and prayed that "next year", we would have a family member to add to our table.

As we approach this Thanksgiving, my heart is literally swelling with gratitude for the miracle we've been given this year.

But as we approach this Thanksgiving, my heart is also aching for who is missing. My heart is aching for our first holiday without him. My heart is aching in worry for my Mom and how she will handle the day, which also happens to be the 6 month anniversary of Dad's death.

Just last year, I took this picture, not for a single instance ever thinking he wouldn't be here this year.

It is strange to have such conflicting emotions at one time...pure joy and pure sadness.

But I do know this, I love my girl with a fiereness that cannot be described and I know for an absolute fact that this is how my Dad loved Nik and I. I finally understand the love a parent has for a child and how you would move mountains to make them happy. I know I wouldn't want Syd's unhappiness to be caused in my memory, so I know my Dad wouldn't either.

While I will forever be devastated that my girl won't know the love of her Grandpa, I am also so thankful for the bright light her birth has shown on our family- I firmly believe she was saved for a time when we would need her most. I am deeply thankful for this.

So our family will be entering this weekend with some trepidation of where our emotions will take us and that's ok. Tears are ok, even better when they are tears of happiness. I will do my best to focus on my beautiful daughter, my incredible husband, my warrior Mother, my supportive sister, my hilarious brother-n-law and darling nephews. Because those 7 people are what I am most thankful for this year.

Syd's Baptism

November 20, 2011 was Syd's baptism day in the church that I spent countless hours crying and praying for a baby in. It was so wonderful to enter the doors without such a heavy heart.

There were quite a few babies being baptized and after they were done with Syd I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the Director of Music, who had heard our story of trying to become parents. He had tears in his eyes and said he remembered our story and how happy he was for us. He said she is a miracle and my best work...I couldn't agree more!

BED

You know you are a Mother..

You know you are Mother when your 13 day old daughter lurches off your chest and turns blue and in one instant you see her life, and your life, flash before in you in a matter of nano seconds.

As you implement what you learned in your Baby Safe Class and turn her upside down to try to relieve her from whatever she may be choking on, as you call your husband hysterical, as he instructs you to call 911, as you wait for the ambulance, as your body literally shakes in fear, as relief floods over you when 4 firemen enter your home, as you frantically run around your home trying to find a sweater and shoes, as you ride in the back of an ambulance, as you call your own mom crying, as you would do anything in the world to trade places with you sweet baby, as you pray and pray, as you silently call out to your recently passed away Father begging him to please take care of your baby...you know you are a Mother.

As you arrive at the ER and the docs rush up on you in the hallway, as you desperately watch the door for your husband to arrive after a panicked drive in traffic, as you become her advocate as they start saying things like seizure, spinal tap and IV, as you watch your baby scream and cry and it's all you can do to not push the docs and nurses out of the way to sweep her back into your arms, as you and your husband hold one another in the corner of the room with tears rolling down both of your faces...you know you are a Mother.

As you spend 4 nights in a hospital bed watching over your baby next to you, as you shower in the gross hospital showers in place of leaving your girl, as you and your husband take turns rocking, swaddling and comforting your babe...and wouldn't have it any other way because there is no place in the world you would rather be...you now you are a Mother.

I knew I loved her, but it was in these days that I learned that there was so way I could live without her.

Your Story

Dear Syd,

Your birth story began on Monday, October 10th. My blood pressure was increasing and at our doctor's appt that Monday, Dr Harding made the decision to deliver you at 38 weeks. She told us to go to Skyridge at 6:30pm. It was so surreal! We ate our "last dinner" at Red Robin on our way to the hospital.





We checked in that evening and they began the induction. Unfortunately, it turned into a 40+ hour ordeal. Three different kinds of meds, contractions, lots of down time and ultimately on Wednesday morning, they decided a C-Section was what I needed.

Grandma, Autnie Nik and Coop were there to support Daddy and I.

Having a C Section was very intimidating. I was so nervous, but that all changed when I heard you cry. I was in awe of the noise and so anxious to catch a glimpse of you. I felt the purest form of joy come over my entire body. Tears of relief flowed from my eyes.

You were born at 4.21pm on October 12, 2011. You weighed in at 7lbs, 2oz and 19 inches long.
We spent the next 4 days at the hospital, soaking in every inch of who you are. I was running on pure adrenaline. Everyone was shocked at how easy my recovery has been, but I think the joy of having out has outweighed any pain I feel from surgery.

We took you home on Sunday....as we buckled you and Daddy got in the driver's seat to drive us home, I burst into tears. Daddy turned to look at me in surprise at my tears, even I was surprised they were coming from me, but they were tears of relief...tears that were built up for 3 years as we tried to become your parents.

Grandma stayed with us for 5 nights an was a huge help! We are in awe you belong to us, it is still so incredibly surreal.

We are so proud to be your parents. We are so proud that we have created such a beautiful little girl. We cannot wait to see what the future holds for us as a new family.

You were worth the wait, sweet girl...worth the wait


Love,

Mommy

Dear Syd,

Sydney James Dew

There are no words for how blessed and lucky we feel to be her parents.

More to come, but for now we are busy falling head over heels in love with our little miracle.