119 Days Left

Over the last few weeks I've felt the baby a few times- or least I thought I did. I would feel something weird and before I could even register it, the feeling was gone.

That has changed this week- I feel her quite often. It's no doubt it's my girl moving inside. Little flutters, rolls & thuds.

My mom told me a while ago that she always loved knowing she was the only one in the world that could feel me. I feel the same way. It's like our little secret. It gives me an unbelievable sense of security.

She appears to love music and I seem to feel her the most when I have it on- which I guess is good since I always have it going. Non of this talk radio nonsense like Daddy. She seems to be particularly fond of Sugarland!

Each kick makes this more real. I need that. I need some confidence boosting to shut off the crazy lady who runs my negative thoughts and worries.

We have her bedroom furniture picked out, which will be a present from my parents. That is going to be ordered this weekend which should make it all very much real!

I can't believe I am almost 6 months pregnant!!! Only 119 days left, which really is like a year.

21 Weeks, 4 days (yes, 4 days is important)

Baby Girl is hiding out behind her placenta, so I rarely rarely rarely feel her, but I guess this bulging belly shows me she really is there.

Father's Day, Really?

Did this day have to be happening so soon after losing Dad? I never realized how many advertisements there were on the radio and tv until now.

Dad didn't even care about Father's Day. Shopping for him was impossible. I would still be calling my Mom up until the last moment asking her what to get him. She would suggest things like socks, a new flashflight or something just as ordinary. Nik and I would call eachother and laugh at her. Repeat. Repeat.

Bri and I are going to head down to the Springs on Sunday- first time home in 3 weeks. I just feel the need to be there. So we will have a little lunch and go visit Granny....and I am sure tears will find their way into the day.

Let's also not forget this Father's Day will not be all bad- it will be the first time in years it won't be a reminder to Brian and I of the family that wasn't happening for us. This year he is a father-to our girl who will be there in a few months!

Life goes on....just as Grandpa would want.

Happy 10th Birthday!

Jackey Boy,

I am so late in your birthday letter, but I am sure you understand. Your birthday fell this year in a hard week for our family, only 4 days after Grandpa passed. I thought about you all day and knew Grandpa was with you, so proud of his grandson!

Jack, our relationship is one of my most prized possessions. You've been extra loving lately, which I welcome since 10 year olds are not really into cuddling with their Aunties. I took you out to dinner 2 months ago and as you got up from the table to go to the game room, you came running back and gave me a huge hug thanking me for a fun night. When you recently heard Coops refusal of my snuggles, you got up off the floor and squeezed in next to me.

I love the freckles on the bridge of your nose. I love your silly laugh. I love how thoughtful you are. I love your sweet soul. I love you how you are figuring out life. I loved the look of horror on your face when I answered the door at your house to find two girls asking if you could play.

Uncle Brian and I adore you. We can't wait to see the great things the future holds for our Jackey Boy!

Much love to my boy,

Auntie B

7 Hours

That's how long it took me to drive back from Lincoln, NE today. On the way back, I drove solo. I wondered all weekend how I would ever fill the time.

While it wasn't my idea of a great time, I can't tell you the last time I had 7 hours of silence just to think. I played my music super loud, I stopped 4 times just to pee thanks to my pregnant bladder, I prayed, I thought about my Dad (a lot), I cried, I thought about the baby, I even found myself in deep thought about labor for which I concluded I want to skip.

I realized during my drive that I am still stuck when it comes to my Dad...I am still stuck in the illness and in the death. What I think about most is the last 12 days we had with him. I also realized that I am sure this will pass, and with time, I will be able to focus on his life and not just on his death. Wouldn't Dr Phil be proud?

We aren't movin on yet, I think we are just still movin' through.

5 Months

I am a mere 3 days away from being 5 months pregnant. Might not sound like a lot to the average bear, but it is a lot to Mrs. Dew. It's a lot to someone who spent hours wondering what a pregnant belly might look like. It's a lot to someone who always wondered what it would feel like to feel your baby kick.

And now, I am here. Belly is starting to grow. Body is changing. I felt the first "butterfly" last week. We went to the doctor this week for our full body anatomy scan and Baby Girl looked great. She was curled into a ball, making tiny fists under her chin. When she was sick of being pushed down upon, she would give a few fast and furious kicks.

I am slowly accepting this pregnancy for what it is- a normal, healthy pregnancy. This past week the "nesting" as begun. My great friend Lisa is 6 weeks behind me so yesterday we went out and spent all day doing "baby stuff"- hit some garage sales in the morning, a Mexican lunch (cause all growing babies need a Chimichanga), checked out Belly Bliss in Cherry Creek, Babies R Us, Pottery Barn Kids, Target & Destination Maternity. Brian laughed when we pulled up and started un loading things like jogging stroller, cradles, and bags upon bags of clothes..it was like a little clown car.

It was so much fun and I am sure just the beginning of the damage that Lisa and I have in store for our husbands.

Here's to another healthy 5 months....yes, an actual pregnancy is 10 months. It's a load of crap no one tells you about until you are actually pregnant!!

Zachey Poo Dew

2 days before I got called home, we had to put our Great Dane, Zach, to sleep. My devastation was quickly swept under the rug as I raced home to be with my Dad.

I was his mom for 6 years. I learned what a rescue dog is all about through him. He taught Brian about my passion. He was one in a million, there will never be another Zachey Poo Dew.

Cancer took my dog, than it took my Dad. Coop says that Grandpa will take care of Zachey, but that there will be bridge between his cloud and Zach's cloud...so Grandpa doesn't have to sleep with dogs at night.

I haven't had a chance to even mourn this sweet boy, but miss him dearly.

Dear Dad...

Dear Dad,

First and foremost, I hate that you have been given this burden to bear. It just doesn’t seem fair that such a good man would be faced with such an ugly disease…actually, make that two ugly diseases. It makes me so angry, but in your words “it is what it is” and I will always admire the grace in which you’ve handled this all.

While I would change this all if I could, I am so incredibly thankful for the time our family has been given. We’ve all slowed down. We’ve all been given a fresh perspective on our lives. We’ve had conversations that have left us all feeling very loved and appreciated. That is a great gift you are leaving us with. I wish everyone could be as lucky as we have been.

I want to thank you for the incredible life you’ve given to Nik and I. I grew up in a home where I was told how much I was loved and how proud of me you and Mom both were. I was given everything a little girl could want. How many little girls get to have the Pudget Sound as their own personal swimming pool in their front yard and pony to ride in their backyard? How many little girls get to sail the British Virgin Islands? How many little girls get to grow up and be handed a college education?

But more much more importantly than these things, is the influence you had on my life. Even as a little girl I knew you had a stressful and time consuming job, but I never once felt like I wasn’t your priority. In the past few weeks I’ve been thinking back a lot to things like “Word of the Week”, Father/Daughter talks on the chair lift and “If you can read, you can do anything”. You set the bar high for me, but never expected me to figure it out on my own. You were there to push and ask the tough questions. You encouraged us to set goals and talked us through how we were going to get there. You stressed the importance of good choices and taught me valuable life lessons. I still laugh when I think of how mad I was at you when you insisted I give you the $2000 I had earned one summer by working at McDonalds so you could invest it. We had World War III in my bedroom over that money. But 7 years later that $2000 had become $5500 and bought me my first home.

I know I got my big heart and outgoing personality from Mom, but I think the core of who I am is you. My no nonsense, straightforward, “call it like you see it” approach to life comes from you. My strength of character and belief in standing up for what I believe in comes from you. I hate to say it, but I also think my impatience with people and at times harsh judgment may also come from you too…but who’s counting? I always think it is such a compliment when Mom tells me “You are your Father’s daughter!”

I’ve always thought our family has had such a solid foundation. Mom most definitely is the center of it all, but you are the quiet strength. Brian often tells me that he wants the family we are creating to be just like the one I had growing up. I think that is such a huge compliment to you and Mom.

I so admire the life you created for yourself and ultimately for us. You had the career that so many dream of, yet few have the guts to go after. You faced tough scrutiny and criticism but never waivered from your beliefs. You always stood firm. I have always admired that so much.

When the time comes for you to leave us, you can go knowing that Nik and I are happy and confident women because of you and Mom. We have great educations, great jobs and most importantly, married wonderful men who will take care of us the rest of our lives. I know you love Mike and Brian so much, and that makes Nik and I so happy. The four of us will also take great care of Mom for you. We will all be ok.

My only one real regret is that our baby girl won’t grow up knowing you. I hope to see some of you in her. Brian and I want you to know that we will be giving her the name of Sydney James in your honor. In the words of the Hospice Chaplain, “May she grow and prosper in your name.”

You are leaving a great legacy behind in Nik, Jackey Boy, Coop & I. I hope we continue to make you proud.

I love you so much and am so thankful for everything you’ve done for me. I hope that Brian and I are half the parents you and Mom are.

I will love you forever and miss you always,

Your Pumpkin Pie,
Bree