Dear Dad-

You left a year ago May 24th. This is how we celebrated you...at Patty Jewett Golf Course. Dews, Zemans, Roes and Mom. I wasn't sure what to expect, I wondered if there would be a lot of tears? There wasn't- I think it was such a beautiful evening and we were in a very warm and welcoming place. We ordered a few bottles of wine for us ladies, the boys had their beers and ate dinner. Jack and Coop ran around the putting green. Syd was passed around making a ton of noise with her screeches and laughs. It honestly could not have been a more beautiful evening.

As 7:05 pm approached, we toasted you. Mom gave Nik and I each a great picture of you fishing- it now sits next to my bed. I look at you- a healthy you- every night before I turn off my light.

After our toast, Mom, Nik and I wandered out to the golf course together. We shared a few tears, a few hugs and remembered how thankful we each were to be with you those last days.

I still struggle with how to live this life without you, but I suspect I will never have a good handle on that. It will forever haunt me that you never got to hold Sydney.

But, I am so proud of us all for surviving this first year. It wasn't always pretty, it wasn't always graceful, but we did it...together.

I miss you Dad. I really, really miss you.

Love, Your Pumpkin Pie.

11 Years

Jackey Boy,

11 years ago on May 28th, you made me an Auntie. I learned a lot from your birth...mostly how great the love of child is.  I learned about loving someone much more than I loved myself.  I thought ( and still think) you are the greatest thing.

I can't even believe that was 11 years ago! Time flies. This year you became a cousin to Sydney. I am always amazed that you take the time to talk and play with her. You are so busy with your friends but always make a point to give her attention. I love that about you.

You got a phone for your birthday and I love getting text message from you. I know that this will be the way we communicate since you already hate talking on the phone! You also have a Facebook page which cracks me up. Just two reminders that you are becoming a young man.

I hope you know how much I love you and how proud of you I am. I think you are so smart, so funny and so kind hearted.  You are growing into a really great guy and know you will continue on this path!

We are going to Mexico in a month and I cannot wait for our family to spend a full week together! We are going to have so much fun!

I love you Jackey Boy.

Love.

Auntie B

Mother's Day

Yesterday,  I celebrated my first Mother’s Day. It was a long hard fought battle to be able to celebrate this day. The battle is as much of my story as are the days since the birth of my daughter. One story certainly does not exist without the other.

These days, I don’t spend too much time thinking about my journey to Motherhood. It is almost like it was erased as soon as she was born…a parting gift. But when my mind does wander back there, I am pretty amazed at what we went through. I am amazed at our strength, our perseverance, our un willingness to give up…all three qualities that we will use to parent our beautiful baby girl.

But mostly, mostly I am amazed by the love I feel for Syd. She is this little perfect human…part Brian, part me. I drink her in. I stare at her features. Every day I honestly cannot believe she is mine. When she grins her big toothless grin at me, I literally have a physical reaction of happiness.

I really feel like the luckiest girl, or Mom, in the world!

Blessings, By Laura Story

This song was sent to me after losing my Dad....I haven't heard it in a while and it always makes me stop and think when I hear it, just as it did moments ago when it came on my ipod.

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

As long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home

It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise