Christmas time has arrived

I love me some Christmas decorations. Brian laughs at my obsession, but is kind enough to oblige me.

The day after Thanksgiving has historically been when I break out the decorations and Bri hangs the lights. This was our plan. It usually takes an hour or two. However, that was BS (Before Sydney). Today, AS (After Sydney), it took all day. Crabby baby=decorating with one hand...and do you know how hard that is?

Our next task is our family photo for our holiday card. I am insisting the dogs remain a part of it...I refuse to be "that family" that has a kid and than removes the dogs. Let's see if I continue to be that optimistic after our photo session tomorrow.

Next weekend is the tree which makes me smile just thinking about!

Thanksgiving Re Cap

I gave lots and lots and lots of thanks for this:

We had a fun and chaotic afternoon with these great ladies (hubbies were hiding downstairs). Dinner was delicious and I was thankful for the joyous mood we all shared...I was secretly terrified we would all spend it crying. Brian Mulloy did a give very nice blessing that did honor those that were not with us and the Munger girls did shed a tear, but it was brief.

Auntie Nik had a custom outfit made on ETSY for her, and it was nearly impossible to get a good pic of it! Syd got very tired trying!

Brian and I kept telling Syd all day how thankful we were for her...deeply, deeply thankful!

Giving Thanks

I don't think it will take a brain surgeon to figure out what I am thankful for this year...8lbs of pure cutness, love and joy.

As we approach this Thanksgiving, I am reminded of all the years past of sad Thanksgiving's for me...as I waited, hoped and prayed that "next year", we would have a family member to add to our table.

As we approach this Thanksgiving, my heart is literally swelling with gratitude for the miracle we've been given this year.

But as we approach this Thanksgiving, my heart is also aching for who is missing. My heart is aching for our first holiday without him. My heart is aching in worry for my Mom and how she will handle the day, which also happens to be the 6 month anniversary of Dad's death.

Just last year, I took this picture, not for a single instance ever thinking he wouldn't be here this year.

It is strange to have such conflicting emotions at one time...pure joy and pure sadness.

But I do know this, I love my girl with a fiereness that cannot be described and I know for an absolute fact that this is how my Dad loved Nik and I. I finally understand the love a parent has for a child and how you would move mountains to make them happy. I know I wouldn't want Syd's unhappiness to be caused in my memory, so I know my Dad wouldn't either.

While I will forever be devastated that my girl won't know the love of her Grandpa, I am also so thankful for the bright light her birth has shown on our family- I firmly believe she was saved for a time when we would need her most. I am deeply thankful for this.

So our family will be entering this weekend with some trepidation of where our emotions will take us and that's ok. Tears are ok, even better when they are tears of happiness. I will do my best to focus on my beautiful daughter, my incredible husband, my warrior Mother, my supportive sister, my hilarious brother-n-law and darling nephews. Because those 7 people are what I am most thankful for this year.

Syd's Baptism

November 20, 2011 was Syd's baptism day in the church that I spent countless hours crying and praying for a baby in. It was so wonderful to enter the doors without such a heavy heart.

There were quite a few babies being baptized and after they were done with Syd I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the Director of Music, who had heard our story of trying to become parents. He had tears in his eyes and said he remembered our story and how happy he was for us. He said she is a miracle and my best work...I couldn't agree more!

BED

You know you are a Mother..

You know you are Mother when your 13 day old daughter lurches off your chest and turns blue and in one instant you see her life, and your life, flash before in you in a matter of nano seconds.

As you implement what you learned in your Baby Safe Class and turn her upside down to try to relieve her from whatever she may be choking on, as you call your husband hysterical, as he instructs you to call 911, as you wait for the ambulance, as your body literally shakes in fear, as relief floods over you when 4 firemen enter your home, as you frantically run around your home trying to find a sweater and shoes, as you ride in the back of an ambulance, as you call your own mom crying, as you would do anything in the world to trade places with you sweet baby, as you pray and pray, as you silently call out to your recently passed away Father begging him to please take care of your baby...you know you are a Mother.

As you arrive at the ER and the docs rush up on you in the hallway, as you desperately watch the door for your husband to arrive after a panicked drive in traffic, as you become her advocate as they start saying things like seizure, spinal tap and IV, as you watch your baby scream and cry and it's all you can do to not push the docs and nurses out of the way to sweep her back into your arms, as you and your husband hold one another in the corner of the room with tears rolling down both of your faces...you know you are a Mother.

As you spend 4 nights in a hospital bed watching over your baby next to you, as you shower in the gross hospital showers in place of leaving your girl, as you and your husband take turns rocking, swaddling and comforting your babe...and wouldn't have it any other way because there is no place in the world you would rather be...you now you are a Mother.

I knew I loved her, but it was in these days that I learned that there was so way I could live without her.