Loss

On Dec. 9th Brian and I were beyond thrilled to see those two miraculous lines show up on a pregnancy test!

By Dec 17th we had been to the doctor several times and my bloodwork looked great.

On January 5th we were in awe to see a precious heartbeat, and amazed when we actually got to hear it. We proudly hung an ultrasound picture of Baby Dew on our fridge. Not shouting our success on this blog and FaceBook was a true test of my secret-keeping ability!

On January 19th our joyous world came to a crashing halt when we went in for our 9wk appointment and were shocked beyond words to see that the baby no longer had a heartbeat.
When I miscarried twins in July, I was so incredibly sad. Now, I am so incredibly pissed off. No one deserves to struggle with infertility, no one deserves the heartache of a miscarriage, and CERTAINLY no one deserves to be dealt the card of a 2nd miscarriage.

I've been sick, exhausted and in the last few days my stomach has gotten rock hard so both of us went into the appointment excited..not fearful like we were for the 1st one. We had a heartbeat, a good solid heartbeat, what could possibly be wrong?

We won't know the answer to that question for a while. You can't even begin to imagine the list of things I am worried about, the first being that there is something wrong with me which makes me unable to sustain a pregnancy.

We have to wait until Tuesday for the D&C, which is awful. The procedure is hanging over us like a 10 ton brick. But I have a nice big supply of Ambien to help me through the sleepless night. Knowing what I know makes me cringe to know what the next few weeks and months have in store for us.

We walked around the first night in a lot of silence, with one of asking often, "How can this be happening again?" It's almost too surreal to deal with.

January 27th makes the 1yr anniversary of our first appt at Conceptions- 1 IVF cycle, two IUI's and two miscarriage in one year is enough to drive anyone to the looney bin, and I just might be on my way.

This is one of those circumstances where no one really knows what to say to comfort us, and I totally get that. I don't know what to say either. But I do know I certainly appreciate the voicemails, notes and texts. We are just sad, deeply sad. Nothing is going to help that but time.

My birthday is Saturday, and this isn't exactly how I wanted to ring in my 35th year. We are having a big dinner at The Melting Pot and I already have declared I will not be the DD.

We will get through, even if it's nothing more because the sun rises and sets each day and we have to. Unfortunately we have practice at this routine, we know what to do, what mistakes not to repeat. As you all may have guessed, Brian Dew is as wonderful as they come and wishes he could take all the pain from me...and, I fully believe he would if he could. He is an incredible man.
Brian and I are thankful we have each other and a great marriage, but we also do not fill our lives will be complete without a baby. I just pray we are given the chance.

I said this last time, and I will say it again...if you are a mother, you are one lucky lady. Don't ever take it for granted.