My D&C was yesterday. Waiting a week was torture, but it also gave me a great sense of "I still have a few days before I really need to deal with this!" I woke up yesterday with an upset belly and was fighting down tears immediately. The anxiety of the procedure came on like a mack truck. I just silently prayed, prayed and prayed some more for strength and peace of mind.
I was quite proud of my ability to manage my meltdowns- just a few mini's....
1. On Brian's chest right before we had to leave...me crying like a 5 yr old that I didn't want a shot!
2. In the lobby, where I had been quietly sitting, contemplating if it would look weird if I put my sunglasses back on. I was fine until the receptionist gave me that " I am so sorry look," got up from her desk and came over and gave me a hug. She induced tears, and quickly ushered us into a room
3. Unfortunately, Bri and I are not strangers to this room. No tears until the anaesthesiologist came in and the lump in my throat grew to the size of a watermelon. I stared at the sprinkler in the ceiling. I managed the lump until one of my ultrasound techs came in and again, gave me "that" look and squeezed my leg...at this point I no longer had control over that lump. The anaesthesiologist quickly asked, " Would you like me to give you something?" " HELL YES" was my internal response.
I was in La-La land not soon after. Brian said I spoke of stealing Haitian babies as I was fading out, which is still making me laugh.
We spent the day in bed together- with Slushis and the 1st season of Sons of Anarchy ( God, I love me some Jax!) Brian even made Slushi run #2 at 8pm for me.
The pain level was pretty high yesterday, and still lingers today. I don't remember this from last time, but I was also further along so who knows if that factors in? The pain meds weren't working which was awful.
Today is certainly a new day. With yesterday over with we can finally begin to move on and make decisions about next steps. It is certainly overwhelming to think we are back to square 1 but our RE already has told us what he plans to do next time and the additional meds he will add on. We both just shake are heads we have to start all over.
We are very appreciative of all the love and support we've received from our family and friends. As I said last time, we realize this is an all consuming event in only our marriage and lives, so we appreciate all the support we've received.
Time heals, it helps us move on. I can guarantee you the BDew will be back at this again.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
BDew Birthday Celebration
A few months ago I made reservations at The Melting Pot for dualing BDew January Birthday celebration, and in light of the news this week, a fun night out with friends is exactly what the doctor ordered!
Saturday afternoon Brian gave me his gift- which he always puts a lot of thought into. There were tons of good things, but the highlight was this:
Birthday Saturday started when this yummy bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries arrived from the Odoms
Saturday afternoon Brian gave me his gift- which he always puts a lot of thought into. There were tons of good things, but the highlight was this:Dinner at The Melting Pot was a lot of fun! The laughs and drinks were plentiful. We are so appreciative of our friends who support us through thick and thin, and went out of their way to make our hearts a little less heavy.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Loss
On Dec. 9th Brian and I were beyond thrilled to see those two miraculous lines show up on a pregnancy test!
By Dec 17th we had been to the doctor several times and my bloodwork looked great.
On January 5th we were in awe to see a precious heartbeat, and amazed when we actually got to hear it. We proudly hung an ultrasound picture of Baby Dew on our fridge. Not shouting our success on this blog and FaceBook was a true test of my secret-keeping ability!
On January 19th our joyous world came to a crashing halt when we went in for our 9wk appointment and were shocked beyond words to see that the baby no longer had a heartbeat.
When I miscarried twins in July, I was so incredibly sad. Now, I am so incredibly pissed off. No one deserves to struggle with infertility, no one deserves the heartache of a miscarriage, and CERTAINLY no one deserves to be dealt the card of a 2nd miscarriage.
I've been sick, exhausted and in the last few days my stomach has gotten rock hard so both of us went into the appointment excited..not fearful like we were for the 1st one. We had a heartbeat, a good solid heartbeat, what could possibly be wrong?
We won't know the answer to that question for a while. You can't even begin to imagine the list of things I am worried about, the first being that there is something wrong with me which makes me unable to sustain a pregnancy.
We have to wait until Tuesday for the D&C, which is awful. The procedure is hanging over us like a 10 ton brick. But I have a nice big supply of Ambien to help me through the sleepless night. Knowing what I know makes me cringe to know what the next few weeks and months have in store for us.
We walked around the first night in a lot of silence, with one of asking often, "How can this be happening again?" It's almost too surreal to deal with.
January 27th makes the 1yr anniversary of our first appt at Conceptions- 1 IVF cycle, two IUI's and two miscarriage in one year is enough to drive anyone to the looney bin, and I just might be on my way.
This is one of those circumstances where no one really knows what to say to comfort us, and I totally get that. I don't know what to say either. But I do know I certainly appreciate the voicemails, notes and texts. We are just sad, deeply sad. Nothing is going to help that but time.
My birthday is Saturday, and this isn't exactly how I wanted to ring in my 35th year. We are having a big dinner at The Melting Pot and I already have declared I will not be the DD.
We will get through, even if it's nothing more because the sun rises and sets each day and we have to. Unfortunately we have practice at this routine, we know what to do, what mistakes not to repeat. As you all may have guessed, Brian Dew is as wonderful as they come and wishes he could take all the pain from me...and, I fully believe he would if he could. He is an incredible man.
Brian and I are thankful we have each other and a great marriage, but we also do not fill our lives will be complete without a baby. I just pray we are given the chance.
I said this last time, and I will say it again...if you are a mother, you are one lucky lady. Don't ever take it for granted.
By Dec 17th we had been to the doctor several times and my bloodwork looked great.
On January 5th we were in awe to see a precious heartbeat, and amazed when we actually got to hear it. We proudly hung an ultrasound picture of Baby Dew on our fridge. Not shouting our success on this blog and FaceBook was a true test of my secret-keeping ability!
On January 19th our joyous world came to a crashing halt when we went in for our 9wk appointment and were shocked beyond words to see that the baby no longer had a heartbeat.
When I miscarried twins in July, I was so incredibly sad. Now, I am so incredibly pissed off. No one deserves to struggle with infertility, no one deserves the heartache of a miscarriage, and CERTAINLY no one deserves to be dealt the card of a 2nd miscarriage.
I've been sick, exhausted and in the last few days my stomach has gotten rock hard so both of us went into the appointment excited..not fearful like we were for the 1st one. We had a heartbeat, a good solid heartbeat, what could possibly be wrong?
We won't know the answer to that question for a while. You can't even begin to imagine the list of things I am worried about, the first being that there is something wrong with me which makes me unable to sustain a pregnancy.
We have to wait until Tuesday for the D&C, which is awful. The procedure is hanging over us like a 10 ton brick. But I have a nice big supply of Ambien to help me through the sleepless night. Knowing what I know makes me cringe to know what the next few weeks and months have in store for us.
We walked around the first night in a lot of silence, with one of asking often, "How can this be happening again?" It's almost too surreal to deal with.
January 27th makes the 1yr anniversary of our first appt at Conceptions- 1 IVF cycle, two IUI's and two miscarriage in one year is enough to drive anyone to the looney bin, and I just might be on my way.
This is one of those circumstances where no one really knows what to say to comfort us, and I totally get that. I don't know what to say either. But I do know I certainly appreciate the voicemails, notes and texts. We are just sad, deeply sad. Nothing is going to help that but time.
My birthday is Saturday, and this isn't exactly how I wanted to ring in my 35th year. We are having a big dinner at The Melting Pot and I already have declared I will not be the DD.
We will get through, even if it's nothing more because the sun rises and sets each day and we have to. Unfortunately we have practice at this routine, we know what to do, what mistakes not to repeat. As you all may have guessed, Brian Dew is as wonderful as they come and wishes he could take all the pain from me...and, I fully believe he would if he could. He is an incredible man.
Brian and I are thankful we have each other and a great marriage, but we also do not fill our lives will be complete without a baby. I just pray we are given the chance.
I said this last time, and I will say it again...if you are a mother, you are one lucky lady. Don't ever take it for granted.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Jacob James Bauer
My good friend Heidi and her hubby Barry welcomed Bauer #3 into the world on Friday, Jacob James Bauer! He is a big boy, weighing over 9lbs!
I forgot my camera today when I went to visit them in the hospital so I can only describe how cute and chubby this little guy is!
Heidi said one of her first thoughts after having him and holding him was "I can't wait for Bree to have this feeling!" Me too, Heidi!
I can't wait to watch this little guy grow up.
I forgot my camera today when I went to visit them in the hospital so I can only describe how cute and chubby this little guy is!
Heidi said one of her first thoughts after having him and holding him was "I can't wait for Bree to have this feeling!" Me too, Heidi!
I can't wait to watch this little guy grow up.
Ski Trip
We spent another great weekend in the mountain. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful 2nd home, courtesy of our rents, of course!
Friday night we went with our parents and my sister's family to a pre-birthday party at a friend's condo in Keystone. I was the DD, and drove home a car FULL of drunk people. Nik introduced all of us to the game, "Mexican Train", which was a lot of fun and full of laughs- and when I say laughs, I mean the kind where everyone around the table is rocking back and forth, with no noise coming out of their mouths! My mom was hilarious and still can shock us all these years later!
On Saturday morning Nik, Mike, Brian and boys went skiing and snowboarding.
Nik & Bri snowboarded and I received texts like these from them:
" My kneecaps are broken"
" The boys are lapping us"
" Iam dead"
"I can't stop sweating"
"We are taking a break after 2 runs!"
On Saturday afternoon the Mulloys joined us- which is always a guaranteed good time. The laughs were plentiful fo sho!
Life is good.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Mountain Bound
Another trip to the condo is in store for us this weekend. Snowboarding for Bri, shopping for me, surprise 40th birthday party for a friend for us all. It should be a great weekend and I am sure I will return with some fun stories!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
For Ella
Dear Ms. Ella Bauer
Here is a little photo montage in honor of your 3rd Birthday!
Love,
Bobbie, Sadie, Zach & Deacon
Happy Birthday to Babycakes
Brian turns 33 today- that seems so young as I am days away from my 35th..oh, to be young again!
Unfortunately that thing called work got in our way most of the day, but we had a great date night at Max Gill N Grill on Pearl St and I went by Whole Foods for his favorite Key Lime Pie.
We are spending this weekend in the mtns for a little skiing and snowboarding, so the Birthday Fairy got Bri a cool new ski coat-pretty cool if I do say so myself!
The big BDew group celebrate is being held on the 23rd at The Melting Pot with a group of our friends!
Happy Birthday Mr Dew! I love you very much!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
1 year gone
I was on the website for C.A.R.E ( Colorado Animal Rescue Express) a non for profit that our rescues works with often to transport dogs and came across this link, which features a story about Ozzie ( scroll to the very bottom)
I had forgotten this story was there, but it seemed fitting as that I had just been thinking of Oz as I drove to work today for some odd reason.
It's been just about a year since he left us-and both Brian and I randomly bring him up in conversation to this day. It starts with us laughing about his crazy ways and usually ends with, "I miss him!". I hope we left a big of a mark on his life as he did ours.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year's
Apparently I was too busy yapping to take many pictures, but I do know we had a really fun night!
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