It's been a week...one shitty, long week...
I had the D&C on Friday, and immediately had to leave for a business trip on Sunday. I wasn't physically ready to go, and definitely not mentally ready, but I went anyway. I was so busy in Michigan that I really didn't have too much time to think too deep. I didn't even realize it until I landed in Denver last night and it was all I could to keep the tears from falling as I walked through DIA. I guess the reality of being home was also the reality that I needed to deal with all the emotions.
Brian and I had an appointment with a therapist today who was recommended by our fertility clinic. It was the first time I had gone to a counselor and I was so nervous. Thankfully the woman was very kind and very welcoming..so much so that I burst into tears as soon as I sat down and didn't stop until our session was up.
It was reassuring to hear that what we are feeling isn't "strange" or "uncommon". It was reassuring to hear that the sadness we feel, and the disappointment in our dream not coming true is OK to feel. It was nice to hear I don't have to keep telling everyone "I'm fine", when really, I am not.
I think it was a great first step, and continue to think time will bring the greatest sense of healing.
The only thing I do know right now is that I am married to the best man in the world. This has reinforced our friendship, our love, our marriage and the fact that when all else fails we will always have one another.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Thank you
From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for the incredible support you've shown us this week.
These flowers have filled our home with the best smells (and we all know how much I love fresh flowers!)
The food has filled our bellys...We enjoyed that beautiful tater tot hotdish and that wonderful spread delivered to us from Old Chicago's.
The cards, emails and voicemails have been so kind, and so encouraging.
We realize this loss is personal to Brian and I and it is all consuming of only our lives, so for that we feel so blessed that all of you have taken time out of your personal lives to make sure we are doing OK.
Friday was the physical end to this pregnancy. I could not have gotten through the day without Brian or my mom, both who were there to wipe the tears and hold my hand.
Our good friend Kari wrote to us, "Now you have two more angels to watch over you"...which I think is a very peaceful way to think of this experience.
We love you all!
These flowers have filled our home with the best smells (and we all know how much I love fresh flowers!)
The food has filled our bellys...We enjoyed that beautiful tater tot hotdish and that wonderful spread delivered to us from Old Chicago's.
The cards, emails and voicemails have been so kind, and so encouraging.
We realize this loss is personal to Brian and I and it is all consuming of only our lives, so for that we feel so blessed that all of you have taken time out of your personal lives to make sure we are doing OK.
Friday was the physical end to this pregnancy. I could not have gotten through the day without Brian or my mom, both who were there to wipe the tears and hold my hand.
Our good friend Kari wrote to us, "Now you have two more angels to watch over you"...which I think is a very peaceful way to think of this experience.
We love you all!
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The last 4.5 weeks
I've been quiet on here the last 4.5 weeks...I purposefully have not blogged about the IVF process in fear of "jinxing"' the wonderful results we got!
We found out we were expecting via a home pregnancy test on June 21st. I cannot even begin to explain to you the happiness and glee in which we lived our lives that week! It worked, it really worked!
On June 30th, during an early ultrasound related to back pain, we found out that we were pregnant with twins. We were thrilled and terrified all at the same time!
We headed to our first official u/s yesterday and were shocked to realize that neither of the babies have a heartbeat. I don't think anything can prepare you for such news. My head immediately replayed everything we have been through for the past 10 weeks and the sobs started. That poor ultrasound tech, she felt so horrible for delivering such awful news.
Yesterday was a blur of tears and a raging headaches for both of us. Devastated is the only word that even comes close to what Brian and I are feeling. We just cannot believe this is where we have ended up.
So many friends reached out to us yesterday to express their disappointment for us and to let us know how much we are loved. Many sent emails or texts to remind me of the miscarriages they had, and the beautiful children they've gone on to have. I just struggle with the issue that we do not have the luxury of "trying again next month", we don't have the comfort that we can get pregnant naturally...we are 100% reliant upon a laboratory that comes with a hefty pricetag.
I woke up this morning and had about 5 seconds of bliss before it all came crashing back down on me. Brian and I can hardly look at one another without crying. It is an awful feeling to want to me a mother or a father and be faced with the possibility it might never happen. If you happen to be a parent, please do not take for granted what a wonderful gift you've been given. Some of us are dying for what you have.
We received this note last night from Ceil, Brian's moms best friend, that I think sums it up perfectly.
Brian and Bree,
My eyes are full and my heart is heavy after your note .As parents we have dreams .......right from the get go..................whether we were pregnant for six weeks , six months or full term. Please allow your self all the emotions that come along. You have a right to be sad, angry,disappointed etc. Don't be upset with people that don't understand the emptiness that you will feel. Hold each other especially tight and reaffirm the love that you share for each other. You need each other now more then you ever have .
I go in on Friday for a D&C, which cannot come quick enough as that it is weighing on me like a 10 ton brick.
I don't think I'll ever understand why we've been given this burden to carry. I think all I can do is pray for some peace about it all.
From the bottom of our hearts we want to thank each of you for the support and love we felt from you all yesterday. And for those of you who called, thank you for being blissfully aware I was not about to answer one of your calls :)
We hope to have some answers in the comings weeks, but I think at this point it is just day by day for us.
We found out we were expecting via a home pregnancy test on June 21st. I cannot even begin to explain to you the happiness and glee in which we lived our lives that week! It worked, it really worked!
On June 30th, during an early ultrasound related to back pain, we found out that we were pregnant with twins. We were thrilled and terrified all at the same time!
We headed to our first official u/s yesterday and were shocked to realize that neither of the babies have a heartbeat. I don't think anything can prepare you for such news. My head immediately replayed everything we have been through for the past 10 weeks and the sobs started. That poor ultrasound tech, she felt so horrible for delivering such awful news.
Yesterday was a blur of tears and a raging headaches for both of us. Devastated is the only word that even comes close to what Brian and I are feeling. We just cannot believe this is where we have ended up.
So many friends reached out to us yesterday to express their disappointment for us and to let us know how much we are loved. Many sent emails or texts to remind me of the miscarriages they had, and the beautiful children they've gone on to have. I just struggle with the issue that we do not have the luxury of "trying again next month", we don't have the comfort that we can get pregnant naturally...we are 100% reliant upon a laboratory that comes with a hefty pricetag.
I woke up this morning and had about 5 seconds of bliss before it all came crashing back down on me. Brian and I can hardly look at one another without crying. It is an awful feeling to want to me a mother or a father and be faced with the possibility it might never happen. If you happen to be a parent, please do not take for granted what a wonderful gift you've been given. Some of us are dying for what you have.
We received this note last night from Ceil, Brian's moms best friend, that I think sums it up perfectly.
Brian and Bree,
My eyes are full and my heart is heavy after your note .As parents we have dreams .......right from the get go..................whether we were pregnant for six weeks , six months or full term. Please allow your self all the emotions that come along. You have a right to be sad, angry,disappointed etc. Don't be upset with people that don't understand the emptiness that you will feel. Hold each other especially tight and reaffirm the love that you share for each other. You need each other now more then you ever have .
I go in on Friday for a D&C, which cannot come quick enough as that it is weighing on me like a 10 ton brick.
I don't think I'll ever understand why we've been given this burden to carry. I think all I can do is pray for some peace about it all.
From the bottom of our hearts we want to thank each of you for the support and love we felt from you all yesterday. And for those of you who called, thank you for being blissfully aware I was not about to answer one of your calls :)
We hope to have some answers in the comings weeks, but I think at this point it is just day by day for us.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Run with the Big Dogs 5k
I would see you at our 1st Annual "Run with the Big Dogs 5k race"! Hope to see you there!
Date: August 23rd
Time: 7:00 am registration 8:00 am start time
Starting Location: Robert F. Clement - Park 7306 W. Bowles Ave. Littleton, CO
Cost: $50.00 per person, $75.00 for couples or families
Runners and dog lovers alike are invited to Run With the Big Dogs on August 23. Runners may register online at http://www.bigdogshugepaws.com/ or the day of the event onsite beginning at 7:00 am. Race fees are $50.00 per runner or $75.00 per couple or family. The run starts at 8:00 am.
Even if you don’t Run, come Run With the Big Dogs and meet the Real Big Dogs. We guarantee a “Paws-i-tively” good time will be had by all!
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