The last 4.5 weeks

I've been quiet on here the last 4.5 weeks...I purposefully have not blogged about the IVF process in fear of "jinxing"' the wonderful results we got!

We found out we were expecting via a home pregnancy test on June 21st. I cannot even begin to explain to you the happiness and glee in which we lived our lives that week! It worked, it really worked!

On June 30th, during an early ultrasound related to back pain, we found out that we were pregnant with twins. We were thrilled and terrified all at the same time!

We headed to our first official u/s yesterday and were shocked to realize that neither of the babies have a heartbeat. I don't think anything can prepare you for such news. My head immediately replayed everything we have been through for the past 10 weeks and the sobs started. That poor ultrasound tech, she felt so horrible for delivering such awful news.

Yesterday was a blur of tears and a raging headaches for both of us. Devastated is the only word that even comes close to what Brian and I are feeling. We just cannot believe this is where we have ended up.

So many friends reached out to us yesterday to express their disappointment for us and to let us know how much we are loved. Many sent emails or texts to remind me of the miscarriages they had, and the beautiful children they've gone on to have. I just struggle with the issue that we do not have the luxury of "trying again next month", we don't have the comfort that we can get pregnant naturally...we are 100% reliant upon a laboratory that comes with a hefty pricetag.

I woke up this morning and had about 5 seconds of bliss before it all came crashing back down on me. Brian and I can hardly look at one another without crying. It is an awful feeling to want to me a mother or a father and be faced with the possibility it might never happen. If you happen to be a parent, please do not take for granted what a wonderful gift you've been given. Some of us are dying for what you have.

We received this note last night from Ceil, Brian's moms best friend, that I think sums it up perfectly.

Brian and Bree,

My eyes are full and my heart is heavy after your note .As parents we have dreams .......right from the get go..................whether we were pregnant for six weeks , six months or full term. Please allow your self all the emotions that come along. You have a right to be sad, angry,disappointed etc. Don't be upset with people that don't understand the emptiness that you will feel. Hold each other especially tight and reaffirm the love that you share for each other. You need each other now more then you ever have .

I go in on Friday for a D&C, which cannot come quick enough as that it is weighing on me like a 10 ton brick.

I don't think I'll ever understand why we've been given this burden to carry. I think all I can do is pray for some peace about it all.

From the bottom of our hearts we want to thank each of you for the support and love we felt from you all yesterday. And for those of you who called, thank you for being blissfully aware I was not about to answer one of your calls :)

We hope to have some answers in the comings weeks, but I think at this point it is just day by day for us.