As much as I try not to think about it, babies, pregnancies and my inability to get pregnant is always on mind. It is always lingering on my shoulder, whispering into my ear.
If you are one of my beautiful friends who is pregnant or has a baby, and happens to be reading this, let me preface that I am so happy for you. I am so excited for you, I truly truly am. I am excited to hear about your doctor appointments, ultrasounds and due dates. I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t. I can’t wait to visit you in the hospital and hold your new baby. I think it is a pretty amazing thing to watch a friend become a mom.
This all said, I have to say it is a hard place to be in. It is literally gut wrenching when someone shares the news with you that they are pregnant, and than what is even worse is the disappointment you feel in yourself for having that fleeting moment of jealousy. What kind of friend is jealous of another’s pregnancy?
I think Brian and I have both been in a perpetual state of being overwhelmed since we started this IVF journey. The financial aspect is like a 10 ton weight on our shoulders-knowing that we have to fill out a loan application to fulfill our dreams of being parents is infuriating.
When I first began to talk to other’s who have been down this same IVF road I was surprised by the compassion and offers to talk. I was surprised by the very genuine, very heartfelt “ I am so sorry you have to go through this”. Now, a few months in, I can see why. It takes months to work through this process, it takes an emotional toll on your own insecurities and on your marriage. How can it not? Thankfully, Brian and I are in this together- sure, we’ve exchanged some harsh words over things that were unnecessarily escalated due to stress, but at the end of the day we have each other as support to lean on. I may not have a baby yet, but I certainly have an incredible husband.
I am terrified and excited at what the next 8-10 weeks will bring. The sun comes each morning, so I have no choice but to face what it brings me. Hopefully it will bring a baby sometime soon...
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3 comments:
Bree,
You are perfectly entitled to feel that way. It certainly is EVERYWHERE right now. And you are going to be a WONDERFUL Mommy. You are already the greatest Aunt around. I have sooo appreciated the support and sharing of joy I had from you with the arrival of Finley. Know that we are all here for you as you go on your parental journey. We live in a world where we want everything RIGHT NOW, but it will be worth the wait. May will be here before you know it!!
I think we all grow up with the feeling of certainty that when the time is right we can decide to become mommies, and we feel it is a natural given right. Now that you are ready and have a wonderful husband to share life with, it's only natural to feel like this whole thing is very unfair. You never expected to have to wait so long or have to pay an arm and a leg for your baby. It hurts me that you have to go through the stress and frustration of all of this because I adore you so much. But I believe strongly that it is only a matter of time for you, and that this process will be successful for you both. Hang in there, my friend. We love you.
Bree, I know this whole process must feel like it's never going to end but it will. Before you know it all this stress & frustration will be a distant memory & you'll be sitting in your glider, in the middle of the night, holding your sweet baby/ies. Just remember God never gives us more than we can handle. You, my dear, are a strong woman and you CAN get through this. Tomorrow is April! May is just around the corner!
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