119 Days Left

Over the last few weeks I've felt the baby a few times- or least I thought I did. I would feel something weird and before I could even register it, the feeling was gone.

That has changed this week- I feel her quite often. It's no doubt it's my girl moving inside. Little flutters, rolls & thuds.

My mom told me a while ago that she always loved knowing she was the only one in the world that could feel me. I feel the same way. It's like our little secret. It gives me an unbelievable sense of security.

She appears to love music and I seem to feel her the most when I have it on- which I guess is good since I always have it going. Non of this talk radio nonsense like Daddy. She seems to be particularly fond of Sugarland!

Each kick makes this more real. I need that. I need some confidence boosting to shut off the crazy lady who runs my negative thoughts and worries.

We have her bedroom furniture picked out, which will be a present from my parents. That is going to be ordered this weekend which should make it all very much real!

I can't believe I am almost 6 months pregnant!!! Only 119 days left, which really is like a year.

21 Weeks, 4 days (yes, 4 days is important)

Baby Girl is hiding out behind her placenta, so I rarely rarely rarely feel her, but I guess this bulging belly shows me she really is there.

Father's Day, Really?

Did this day have to be happening so soon after losing Dad? I never realized how many advertisements there were on the radio and tv until now.

Dad didn't even care about Father's Day. Shopping for him was impossible. I would still be calling my Mom up until the last moment asking her what to get him. She would suggest things like socks, a new flashflight or something just as ordinary. Nik and I would call eachother and laugh at her. Repeat. Repeat.

Bri and I are going to head down to the Springs on Sunday- first time home in 3 weeks. I just feel the need to be there. So we will have a little lunch and go visit Granny....and I am sure tears will find their way into the day.

Let's also not forget this Father's Day will not be all bad- it will be the first time in years it won't be a reminder to Brian and I of the family that wasn't happening for us. This year he is a father-to our girl who will be there in a few months!

Life goes on....just as Grandpa would want.

Happy 10th Birthday!

Jackey Boy,

I am so late in your birthday letter, but I am sure you understand. Your birthday fell this year in a hard week for our family, only 4 days after Grandpa passed. I thought about you all day and knew Grandpa was with you, so proud of his grandson!

Jack, our relationship is one of my most prized possessions. You've been extra loving lately, which I welcome since 10 year olds are not really into cuddling with their Aunties. I took you out to dinner 2 months ago and as you got up from the table to go to the game room, you came running back and gave me a huge hug thanking me for a fun night. When you recently heard Coops refusal of my snuggles, you got up off the floor and squeezed in next to me.

I love the freckles on the bridge of your nose. I love your silly laugh. I love how thoughtful you are. I love your sweet soul. I love you how you are figuring out life. I loved the look of horror on your face when I answered the door at your house to find two girls asking if you could play.

Uncle Brian and I adore you. We can't wait to see the great things the future holds for our Jackey Boy!

Much love to my boy,

Auntie B

7 Hours

That's how long it took me to drive back from Lincoln, NE today. On the way back, I drove solo. I wondered all weekend how I would ever fill the time.

While it wasn't my idea of a great time, I can't tell you the last time I had 7 hours of silence just to think. I played my music super loud, I stopped 4 times just to pee thanks to my pregnant bladder, I prayed, I thought about my Dad (a lot), I cried, I thought about the baby, I even found myself in deep thought about labor for which I concluded I want to skip.

I realized during my drive that I am still stuck when it comes to my Dad...I am still stuck in the illness and in the death. What I think about most is the last 12 days we had with him. I also realized that I am sure this will pass, and with time, I will be able to focus on his life and not just on his death. Wouldn't Dr Phil be proud?

We aren't movin on yet, I think we are just still movin' through.

5 Months

I am a mere 3 days away from being 5 months pregnant. Might not sound like a lot to the average bear, but it is a lot to Mrs. Dew. It's a lot to someone who spent hours wondering what a pregnant belly might look like. It's a lot to someone who always wondered what it would feel like to feel your baby kick.

And now, I am here. Belly is starting to grow. Body is changing. I felt the first "butterfly" last week. We went to the doctor this week for our full body anatomy scan and Baby Girl looked great. She was curled into a ball, making tiny fists under her chin. When she was sick of being pushed down upon, she would give a few fast and furious kicks.

I am slowly accepting this pregnancy for what it is- a normal, healthy pregnancy. This past week the "nesting" as begun. My great friend Lisa is 6 weeks behind me so yesterday we went out and spent all day doing "baby stuff"- hit some garage sales in the morning, a Mexican lunch (cause all growing babies need a Chimichanga), checked out Belly Bliss in Cherry Creek, Babies R Us, Pottery Barn Kids, Target & Destination Maternity. Brian laughed when we pulled up and started un loading things like jogging stroller, cradles, and bags upon bags of clothes..it was like a little clown car.

It was so much fun and I am sure just the beginning of the damage that Lisa and I have in store for our husbands.

Here's to another healthy 5 months....yes, an actual pregnancy is 10 months. It's a load of crap no one tells you about until you are actually pregnant!!

Zachey Poo Dew

2 days before I got called home, we had to put our Great Dane, Zach, to sleep. My devastation was quickly swept under the rug as I raced home to be with my Dad.

I was his mom for 6 years. I learned what a rescue dog is all about through him. He taught Brian about my passion. He was one in a million, there will never be another Zachey Poo Dew.

Cancer took my dog, than it took my Dad. Coop says that Grandpa will take care of Zachey, but that there will be bridge between his cloud and Zach's cloud...so Grandpa doesn't have to sleep with dogs at night.

I haven't had a chance to even mourn this sweet boy, but miss him dearly.