Is it strange we consider this good news?

I guess when you've gone through what we have, our perception of "good news" may be strange to some.

I spoke with a geneticist yesterday and after reviewing the fetal tissue, he concluded that there is absolutely no reason to have any concern that there is something genetically wrong with Brian or I. He feels our loss was a "fluke", Mother Nature's way...

Our baby had Turner's Syndrome- a chromosomal defect that affects girls only. 80% of these pregnancies do not make it to birth. In the grand scheme of life I am thankful it ended at 9 weeks, not 9 months. That would be a whole different bucket of grief.

We met with our RE as well yesterday- and World, I did not even cry! I deserve some sort of prize for that. I think they were all waiting for it, and couldn't figure out why we were in good spirits.

I've made peace with this loss in the aspect that God took from me something that wasn't meant to be. And I agree with his decision. That doesn't make the disappointment any less, that doesn't make the knot in my throat or emptiness in my heart any less, but I understand.

We have a new plan underway for Baby Dew Attempt #4 and I pray with all that I am we make it through with our love, sanity and a healthy pregnancy.

March 5th

March 5th… a day that has been haunting me since July 21st when we found out the babies did not have heartbeats…their due date.

Knowing twins come early, the entire month of February has been a constant “Could today have been the day?”. While we were watching TV the other night I brought it up to Brian, and after asking me yet again why I torture myself, he said, “They’d be here by now.” Silence followed…maybe he went back to watching The Olympics, but I didn’t. I was lost in thought about what our lives could be like…what our lives should be like right now.

I am part of a group called, PLC- a forum for woman who are trying to conceive. Brian introduced me to one of his friends, Lindsey, and she invited me to join this group of 25 or so women who use this forum as a place to celebrate, vent and cry. We’ve seen each other lose pregnancies, even the loss of a baby this past year which was utterly gut wrenching to learn of. I’ve also seen miracles, absolute true miracles. We’ve all formed this strange Internet friendship and conversations now go far beyond trying to conceive. It’s a very safe place to say all of those things you wouldn’t ever say outloud. These girls make me laugh outloud all the time while reading through the posts.

Last night when I got home I had a card waiting, and the name in the return address sounded so familiar to me but I couldn’t place it. When I opened it I saw it was from a PLC friend- Janelle. How did she even get my address? It was a sweet note, letting me know she was thinking of me and encouraging me to stay strong. It brought tears to my eyes- so unexpected and so incredibly thoughtful. Janelle’s baby son, Tyler, died month or so after giving birth about 7 months ago…and here she is sending me a card…supporting me...how nice is that?

So March 5th, please hurry and up and pass us by. I would greatly appreciate it.

Operation Self Loathing- Week #2

Week #2 starts today.

Thanks to all who kept me honest last week. 3 Kickboxing Classes, 2 days of Cardio on my own, and dog walks. Oh, and eating frozen WW meals that give me the creeps. Down a few pounds too.

My challenge this week, you ask? As of last night we are doing a lot of restructuring to positions at BDHPI which means the next 3 evenings and booked. Normally this would be my excuse to not go, but the new Bree is figuring out a way to still fit the gym in.

I'll let you know how it goes.

We need a 3rd

We need a 3rd member of this family so we can stop with the self portraits! We had a great date night last night at Shanahan's. The food was soooo good, cocktails went down like water, service was excellent and the company was pretty good too.

I spend a lot of time worrying about what we don't have and the stress of all of this pregnancy stuff, so it was a great reminder of what I do have. Brian and I didn't get married to just have kids...we got married because we are each other's best friend and true love. It was a good reminder of that.

Anger Management?

Is anyone noticing a theme in my last several posts on this dear blog? Cause I see a lot of anger. I had this conversation with a friend yesterday who is going through the same loss issues I am, and I think I am angry about what we've been through and it is unkindly spilling into all areas of my life. To the woman in the parking lot, to my body, at my computer, to the woman who has more than 20 items in the express line, to the woman who joyfully jumped around in front of me yesterday at the fertility clinic announcing her pregnancy to anyone breathing and mostly to my dear husband, who is on the receiving end of my easily irritated self. Maybe I will give this some more thought over a bottle of wine tonight?

I wonder if there is a pill for anger and annoyance? If so, please send some...overnight mail, please.

As a sidenote, Operation Self Loathing is going quite well. Hard workouts every night this week and feeling good, well really sore, but good. Kickboxing at 9am tmrw morning at 24 Hour. Come join me.

Dear A-Hole

Dear A-hole,

Yes, I am talking to you, the jerk who plowed into my BMW and drove away without leaving a note. Who raised you? Because they clearly did not do a good job.

I would like to thank you for ruining my morning. It is not enjoyable when your husband wakes you up with the news your car has been hit. Nor it is enjoyable when The Dent Doctor takes one look at the car and declares, "There is structural damage. We can't help", and than adds we are looking at $1500-$2000 worth of damage.

The only thing that is going to make me angrier is when we are dropped by our insurance company.

So, again, thanks for being such a considerate, ethical person. You should be so proud of what you have become.

Love,

Mrs. Dew

Operation Stop Self Loathing- Week #1

I am publicly declaring that the time has come to confront this body o'mine.

Enough complaining.
Enough self loathing.
Enough excuses.
Enough of tight clothes.
Enough self loathing.
Enough mind games.
Enough doubt.
Enough waiting around for a baby.
Enough self loathing (do we see a pattern?)

Why I am a very lucky lady who is loved by a man who thinks she is beautiful, this lady isn't loving herself much these days.

I am not going to even pretend I am going to be one of those crazy gym rats who eats celery all day long, but I certainly can afford to make some changes.

So, in hopes that a public declaration will encourage me to take action I am officially declaring, on this blog, that Operation Stop Self Loathing started this morning and we will finish our day at with Kickboxing at 5:30 at the Colorado/Yale 24 Hour Fitness should you want to join me.

I would love partner in pain, oops, I mean work out partner...even a virtual partner would be wonderful. Who wants to hold me accountable? Who wants to work out too? We could even start some sort of email accountability thing-y with some sort of serious consequence if one falls off?

This has been a lifelong struggle for me, and I need to get this back under control. Do you?

I have 2-3 months before Baby Dew Attempt #4 begins, so I might as well use my timely wisely!

I will check back in with you next Monday to let you know how Week #1 went. My goal for this week is 4-5 gym classes this week, plus the mandatory daily walks with the pups that I started while pg. Zumba is Thursday...wanna come shake it with me?