Saying goodbye....again

This weekend the family is heading to the mountains, a favorite weekend get away for all of us...even tho I can't tell you the last time we all managed to be up there at the same time. But this weekend, it is a priority for us all. Mom, The Zemans, Aunt Denise & Woo....we are going to celebrate Dad and say goodbye...again.

We rented a house in Breck (cue Dad rolling over in his grave since we have a perfectly fine condo in Frisco). Pool, more rooms....a perfect get away for our family. We will grill, swim, shop and than take a special hike to leave Dad in one of his most favorite places.

I talked to Mom yesterday who is already up there. I asked her if she was sad to be up there without Dad and she burst into tears, than I burst into tears. I have found that lately that I will be cruising thru life and than burst into hard tears if anything having to do with my Dad comes up. I asked her to please stop crying and to remember all of the memories we have up there with him are GREAT memories. " I know, " she said," But I just miss him so much."

We all miss him so much, but I feel so awful for my Mom. Nik and I still have our husbands and our lives. She is left to start totally new.

I am sure this weekend will be tough on us all. But I am so thankful that we all live so close so we can do things like this together as a family.

I am not sure any of us will ever be able to wrap our arms around this new family of ours. But I hopeful that it will get easier. I am hopeful the tears won't sit so close to the surface.

A year from now...

In a year from now, we will be here-Playa Del Carmen- as a family....Mom, Nik, Mike, Jack, Cooper, Brian, Me & Baby Girl Dew. There will be huge hole in our hearts as we vacation in one of Dad's favorite location without him. I am sure it will sting. But I am also sure the fun that our sweet little girl and Jack and Coops will have will be proof that life goes on...

Mom is reluctant to make any plans these days, but Nik and I have been trying to quitely encourage her to make this plan...to make this plan with her girls and her boys. Dad would laugh at her if he heard saying she didn't want to go.

I think making these plans is a reminder of who is missing. Even as Nik was on the phone with the travel people it was strange to hear that we would have to pay for 4 adults in the suite, even tho there would only be 3 of us. I told Nik we would be paying for Dad's spirit.

I also think this will be a great trip for us....it will be after the " Year of Firsts" without Dad. It will be proof we all survived. It will be proof that we are still a strong family even tho we are one man down.

And, on a light & completely selfish note, after being 6.5 months into no drinking, this girl is looking forward to an all inclusive resort!

119 Days Left

Over the last few weeks I've felt the baby a few times- or least I thought I did. I would feel something weird and before I could even register it, the feeling was gone.

That has changed this week- I feel her quite often. It's no doubt it's my girl moving inside. Little flutters, rolls & thuds.

My mom told me a while ago that she always loved knowing she was the only one in the world that could feel me. I feel the same way. It's like our little secret. It gives me an unbelievable sense of security.

She appears to love music and I seem to feel her the most when I have it on- which I guess is good since I always have it going. Non of this talk radio nonsense like Daddy. She seems to be particularly fond of Sugarland!

Each kick makes this more real. I need that. I need some confidence boosting to shut off the crazy lady who runs my negative thoughts and worries.

We have her bedroom furniture picked out, which will be a present from my parents. That is going to be ordered this weekend which should make it all very much real!

I can't believe I am almost 6 months pregnant!!! Only 119 days left, which really is like a year.

21 Weeks, 4 days (yes, 4 days is important)

Baby Girl is hiding out behind her placenta, so I rarely rarely rarely feel her, but I guess this bulging belly shows me she really is there.

Father's Day, Really?

Did this day have to be happening so soon after losing Dad? I never realized how many advertisements there were on the radio and tv until now.

Dad didn't even care about Father's Day. Shopping for him was impossible. I would still be calling my Mom up until the last moment asking her what to get him. She would suggest things like socks, a new flashflight or something just as ordinary. Nik and I would call eachother and laugh at her. Repeat. Repeat.

Bri and I are going to head down to the Springs on Sunday- first time home in 3 weeks. I just feel the need to be there. So we will have a little lunch and go visit Granny....and I am sure tears will find their way into the day.

Let's also not forget this Father's Day will not be all bad- it will be the first time in years it won't be a reminder to Brian and I of the family that wasn't happening for us. This year he is a father-to our girl who will be there in a few months!

Life goes on....just as Grandpa would want.

Happy 10th Birthday!

Jackey Boy,

I am so late in your birthday letter, but I am sure you understand. Your birthday fell this year in a hard week for our family, only 4 days after Grandpa passed. I thought about you all day and knew Grandpa was with you, so proud of his grandson!

Jack, our relationship is one of my most prized possessions. You've been extra loving lately, which I welcome since 10 year olds are not really into cuddling with their Aunties. I took you out to dinner 2 months ago and as you got up from the table to go to the game room, you came running back and gave me a huge hug thanking me for a fun night. When you recently heard Coops refusal of my snuggles, you got up off the floor and squeezed in next to me.

I love the freckles on the bridge of your nose. I love your silly laugh. I love how thoughtful you are. I love your sweet soul. I love you how you are figuring out life. I loved the look of horror on your face when I answered the door at your house to find two girls asking if you could play.

Uncle Brian and I adore you. We can't wait to see the great things the future holds for our Jackey Boy!

Much love to my boy,

Auntie B

7 Hours

That's how long it took me to drive back from Lincoln, NE today. On the way back, I drove solo. I wondered all weekend how I would ever fill the time.

While it wasn't my idea of a great time, I can't tell you the last time I had 7 hours of silence just to think. I played my music super loud, I stopped 4 times just to pee thanks to my pregnant bladder, I prayed, I thought about my Dad (a lot), I cried, I thought about the baby, I even found myself in deep thought about labor for which I concluded I want to skip.

I realized during my drive that I am still stuck when it comes to my Dad...I am still stuck in the illness and in the death. What I think about most is the last 12 days we had with him. I also realized that I am sure this will pass, and with time, I will be able to focus on his life and not just on his death. Wouldn't Dr Phil be proud?

We aren't movin on yet, I think we are just still movin' through.