May 24, 2011

Is the day that this world lost the most amazing Husband, Father & Grandpa. It is the day that my life changed forever. It is the day that I was lucky enough to be holding my Dad's hand as he left this earth.

I've never felt so many emotions in the span of a few days. Relief that he is long suffering, scared that he is gone, sick to my stomach when thinking of our family without him, nervous for my Mom as she tries to find her way, profoundly sad our baby girl won't know him, proud of his legacy, humbled by people's love & support....it goes on and on.

For those that have experienced a death in the family can probably relate to our situation in the sense that our life has been running at 100% force for weeks. Physically and emotionally exhausted from his illness and physically and emotionally exhausted from taking care of all the things that needs to happen after a death. I told my Mom yesterday that I haven't even had a change to sit down and mourn his death since we are running like crazy women trying to plan a funeral.

I came back to Denver yesterday afternoon after 10 days in my parents house. I was ok until I was going to bed and walked by our engagement picture that we used as our guest book at our wedding. For what ever reason, my eyes went straight to it and directly to my Dad's handwritten note. To see that familiar writing literally stopped my heart. I choked out a cry.

I think it will take a lot of time to accept this new reality. My Dad was so ill and suffering at the end that we were relieved for his passing. I prayed and prayed it would happen. But when I see pictures like the one at the top of this post, when I see a healthy and happy Dad, my heart breaks.

Life is so confusing right now, but one thing I am certain of is that it was an honor to be Jim Munger's daughter.

Dad

A week ago today we spent the day together as a family at the Colorado Springs Police Department, honoring the great work my Dad as Chief. While Dad sat with the upper tier of Officers for coffee, the rest of us were taken on a tour of the facility. It was so amazing to see the affect my Dad had on so many people's lives.

Today, I sit here at my parents home waiting for my Dad to pass. Nik and I got the call on Wednesday to come home as that Dad had taken a turn for the worse. When I got here on Wednesday I honestly thought that was it. I was shocked at the decline in such a few days.

The emotions of the last two days have been unreal. When I got here on Wednesday afternoon things were pretty bad. Dad was quite confused and than slept to 10pm. When he woke up, Mom, Nik, Mike and I were all there. He was completely lucid. We had a meaningful conversation. Mom told it was ok to go, he said he was ready. He held and kissed my hand. He said he would miss us. He reached out his arms to hold Nik and I. We sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. Choking cries were echoing through their room.

We also were able to tell Dad that we are naming our daughter after him, Sydney James Dew. Tears streamed down his face as we told him.

It was the most deeply meaningful night of my life.

Dad continues to fight his battle, but we are all praying for a peaceful passing for this man that we all adore. We don't want him to suffer. We don't want him to be in pain. Mom keeps saying, "In God's time.....", which we all know to be true.

If you are reading this, call your parents today. Tell them you love them. You never know how many more opportunities you will have.

Answered Prayers

2.5 Years

3 rounds of Clomid

4 rounds of IUI

1 IVF cycle

1 FET cycle

4 pregnancies

3 miscarriages

If you are doing the math, that leaves us with 1 pregnancy- one healthy pregnancy that I've been keeping a secret for the last 16 weeks!

Oh my gosh, it has been so hard to not shout our great news from the mountain tops. But there has a been a tremendous feeling of not wanting to jinx anything. For those of you who have been reading this blog for the last few years, you know this journey has not been easy. You know what we have been through.

We have finally decided to live in the now, not in the past. We've seen our baby kick, spin and rub her face. She is real. And yes, we know she is a she!

We have decided to share our news, plan, celebrate and shop.

We believe this pregnancy is nothing short of a miracle. We truly believe your prayers were heard.

My Mom always tells me, " God has a plan. He has his reasons."...which is easy to say after the fact but kinda hard to stomach at the time. But now, as our family faces the sickness of our Dad, I can't help but wonder if this baby was saved for this time....saved for a time when we would need it most.

Mother's Day and everything in between

This poor blog is being neglected. Do I really want to complain about the Dew Kitchen Disaster 2011 with all of the things we have going on with my Dad? It seems silly when something so serious is hanging over me.

Bottom line is a month ago we found a leak in the hose to the ice maker. It had been going on for months and caused tons of damage. Our kitchen/house has been a wreck . There has been mold, an insurance fight, more dust and debris that you can imagine, stress, arguments and holes in our floor. It also required a 4 day move out of our home- our entire home. 2 humans, 5 dogs. Thanks to the Cecchini's for taking Mr Dew and the girls.

I went to Colo Spgs with Lily to stay with my parents. I am so thankful for that time. Dad and I had good talks- some light in nature and some very sad ones. I did my best to hold it together while with him.

On Mother's Day the whole family got together. Nik and I have been working on a video of his life and played it for everyone. Not a dry in the house- when Garth Brook's" The Dance" came on and I saw my Dad start sobbing it was all she wrote. The house came crumbling down.

When the video ended, my Mom got up and hugged my Dad. I thought I could hear my heart break.

When I left for the day I hugged Dad and when I pulled away he had tears streaming down his face. Cue the crying...again. I told him " Dad, please don't cry. I will be back this weekend." and hugged him again. He held me tight and kissed my cheek. I cried most of the drive back to Denver.

My mom continues to amaze me. I told her that she is the best example of what a Mother and Wife should be. If I become half the woman she is, I will have turned out pretty good. It was a more subdued Mother's Day than most, but one that will stay with me forever.

Paying it Forward

Dear Friend,

I've always known I was lucky to have you in my life. But now, I really know it.

You've stepped up to help my family, and some of you are doing so without even having met my parents.

You've done it quietly and generously.

You've done it because you value our friendship, because you know I am hurting and mostly because you simply want to help in any way you can.

Unless you've gone through something like this, you don't really and truly know how special this is. I've made cookies, I've donated, I've cooked but I did it without ever really knowing how important it was. And I also think of all the times I could have done something more and didn't. I feel bad for those times now.

I have vowed I will never not act again. I will pay it forward every opportunity I get.

So thankful my sweet friends for all that you have done to help. I am really humbled by you.

Love,

Bree

My Mom

So anyone who knows my Mom knows that she is handful. She is social, out going and opinionated. Sound like anyone you know? I see her in Nik and I all the time.

My whole like I've seen my Mom fight for me. She would do anything for Nik and I.

And now, I am seeing her fight for my Dad.

She has given up everything to care for him. Her job, her free time, her sleep and at times, her sanity.

She rarely sits down, she rarely rests, she rarely eats.

Her world is her husband and making sure he is as comfortable and pain free as possible. For the first time in my 36 years someone other than myself or my sister is her main concern...as it should be.

She is amazing. Simply amazing.

I worry so much about her but she wouldn't have it any other way. God gave her the incredible gift of compassion and care giving. I wonder if it was for this time in her life?

Yesterday my Dad said, "You have an incredible Mother, Bree".

And I do. I really, really do.

2 weeks ago today....

...the world as I know it changed. My dad, in preparation for a neck surgery, had an MRI done and the surgeon called with words like" lung, bone & lesion"

In the fourteen days since our family has been using like "Cancer, radiation, terminal, incurable & hospice"

In the fourteen days since I've cried harder than I ever have in my life. And I don't mean just crying, I mean sobbing...you know, the "ugly" cry...where you are sobbing and than your sister or you choke on the tears and hysterically start laughing because you don't know what else to do.

In the fourteen days since I've seen the core of who my parents are. My entire life they have lived behind this SuperWoman/SuperMan shield and I've sadly realized they are human.

In the fourteen days since I've had to walk down a hallway that has a big sign that reads "Oncology". It still takes my breath away every time I see it.

In the fourteen days since, my Dad uses every opportunity he has to express his love and his hopes for us. He is leaving nothing, absolutely nothing, un-said.

In the fourteen days since I've seen a side to my parents relationship that I never have before. They are more gentle, more loving. My mom leans into my Dad's hospital bed and they whisper to one another. She pats him arm while trying to fight back years.

In the fourteen days since my always close family has circled the wagons.

In the the fourteen says since I have seen the true meaning of "in sickness and in health". My mom is nothing short of amazing...simply amazing.

In the fourteen days since my sister and I have been humbled by the love & support of so many people. People are coming out of the woodwork to offer their help in any way needed. It truly warms the heart.

In the fourteen days since my world has been literally turned upside down. Dad is the last thing I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think about when I wake up. The situation is grim and we are all trying to figure out a way to navigate our new reality.

While I may be 36 years old, a life without my Dad is terrifying.

If you are a prayerful person, please remember my Mom & Dad in your thoughts.