Valentine's Day 2010

Valentine's Day was a nice one for the BDews...slept in until 8:45...lunch with the rents at Brewery Bar...Olympics...yum-o dinner courtesy of Tony's Meats. And most importantly, a great love to celebrate.

Dinner at our dining room table, which rarely occurs. The table and dogs were very confused:

Gift #1- Brian's dad, Tom Dew, passed away when Bri was 18 months old. We were sent these photos so I had a mat cut to size and framed them.

Gift #2- The BRILLIANT gift I mentioned in an earlier post. I got a bit worried with all the "hype" around this gift and pondered if I had gotten too big for my britches to make such a declaration?! Ultimately I've decided it is pretty wonderful. Under the supervision of my Creative Director Kari, we created this masterpiece....a shadow box filled with all of our wedding memorbilia! Our handwritten vows, the sheet music to our 1st dance, invites, photos, wedding program, honeymoon ticket stubs, etc.

(As a total sidenote, check out the photos of the boys taken by our wedding photographer during our family photo shoot in Nov. Are they not the most darling things you've ever seen? www.trystanphotography.com)

Our Song:

BLESS THE BROKEN ROAD:

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

But now I'm just rolling home into my lover's arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

On a good note....

Meet Lola, who is bringing a lot of laughter to our house.

Did I just do that?

This is the scene I encountered as a came out of King Soopers to load my car:

Parked next to me was a broken-down-filty-crappy car, filled with a screaming baby & toddler. A mother was angrily throwing groceries into the back of the car. As I opened my trunk, I noticed a little girl, maybe 4 or so, standing by my drivers side door, sticking her finger in and out of the grates on the grocery cart. I smiled and her, and she shyly looked the other way.

Here is the conversation that followed: In fear of burning your eyes with curse words, I will abbreviate the obscene cursing.

Mother to little girl" STOP f'ing touching the basket! I SAID STOP F'ing touching the basket"

Little girl quickly pulls her finger away (and, seriously is a 4 yr old finger on the basket really a problem?)

A few moments later I hear the same disgusting tone from the mother saying the same thing. The mother steps around the cart, and to my horror shoves the little girl backyards and walks away. This poor little girl stumbles back, and trips backwards over and into a water/snow pothole. I gasped!

Mother to little girl "See, EVERYTIME SINGLE TIME I TAKE YOU ANYWHERE YOU RUIN IT! RUIN IT! God D*amn it, F*uck!" My eyes meet the little girls and huge crocdile tears filled in her eyes.

I quickly walk around my car to get behind the little girl. I lifted her up off the wet ground. As I did, I whispered in her ear, "Your Mommy doesn't mean that, she must just be tired today!", for which the little girl looked up at me and quietly said, "Yes she does, she tells me that everyday!". My eyes filled with the same tears and for a moment wondered if I could throw her in my car and drive away without worry!

The mom reappears, sighs in complete digest and says to me, "ughhh, Don't help her! She doesn't need your help! GET IN THE F'ING CAR RIGHHHHHHHT NOW!G'Damint, now you're all wet!"

The little girl turns and quickly asks me, "What's your name?", I answer, and she pats me on my arm and says, "Thank you for being so nice to me today, Miss Bree", and climbed into that hell hole of a car.

At this point, it's just me and this thing that was supposed to be her Mother. Our eyes met, my mind was reeling with what was going to come next. Shelooked me up and down, gave the BMW a disgusting look, huffed and walked to her drivers door.

And the following came out of my mouth before I knew it:

"And for the record, you just ruined my F'ing Day, and you are an awful Mother!"

And than I got in my car and drove home in tears.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

The tears continued in our driveway while a bewildered Brian tried to figure out why I was returning from the grocery in tears. They later continued as I re-told the story to Nik.

Now, I certainly can appreciate a long day that turns into being crabby with those you love. I can certainly appreciate it is tiring to have 3 children..tho, that last one comes with the fact that you the Mother chose to have 3 kids, it was not their choice, nor is it their fault.

Why in the world does a crazy lady like that have 3 kids, which she clearly does not appreciate nor treat with a kind hand, and I have two miscarriages under my belt?

And most scary to me, is if this woman treats her kids like this in public, what does she do in private? As I left I realized I should have gotten her license plate number, and as I circled back she was already gone.

That little girls face will stay with me for quite some time.

So as a warning, not only will I freak out on you if I see you treating a dog with ill will, I will now also go ape sh*t on you for children as well. Consider yourself warned.

Odds

My good friend got pregnant a month of so after my first miscarriage- you may remember a post about how I burst into tears when she told me. I still feel awful for that. Sadly, she miscarried that pregnancy a few weeks later. It was like watching history repeats itself so soon after my own loss.

When I was 7 weeks pregnant this last time, she found out she was pregnant again. We were both so excited at the thought of going through our pregnancies together. She obviously felt horrible when we lost this pregnancy. Bri and I were so sad to learn that she received the awful news today her baby no longer has a heartbeat. It is almost too eery, that our patterns of pregnancy and loss are so similar.

So, in this past year between myself, this friend and another good friend who has been trying to have a baby for the past 4 years we've had 5 pregnancies between the 3 of us, and 5 miscarriages. What kind of odds are those? It is too cruel to even wrap my head around.

The only thing I've been clinging to is that we when do all have babies it will be the most increidble & amazing experience. I can't wait to when we are able to share the joy of parenthood, and not the sadness of loss.

Every night I remind myself God will never give me more than I can handle.It may not always be pretty, but I am amazed by the resilience of life.

So here's to healing, finding answers, moving on & hope.

The lesser of two evils?

I got a phone call from our Nurse last night. She said our RE didn't want to make us wait until our appt on the 25th for the results of our fetal tissue testing.

The good news is that it does not appears this was a "me" issue, in terms of there being signs that we are now looking at a 2nd loss with no answers. The bad news is that the fetus has tremendous chromosomal abnormalities.

Clearly the majority of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities...but here is the million dollar question...did we have more issues than normal, or do we just know more than the average person due to our level of care? I've asked a few friends who have had miscarriages and they say all they've ever been given is the broad answer of m/c due to chromosomal abnormalities but have never thought to question it past that (and, lets get real, I am a Munger and will always ask and ask questions!)

So, neither of us really know what to think. We believe this is situation is the lesser of two evils, but we are both bothered the Nurse said we will need to go thru extensive screening ourselves.

We understand a miscarriage is Mother Nature's way of ending a pregnancy that wouldn't give us a healthy baby, and I think we are both making piece with that. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but at least it is easier to come to grips with than the last time when they told us the twins were perfectly healthy babies by all accounts.

We did learn that they think this was another girl. That news is always comforting and heartbreaking at the same time.

We will learn more about next steps on the 25th. Until than, I will keep gagging away on my chinese herbs...

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day 2007 has always been a joke between Brian and I...our first Valentine's Day was not much to write home about. We had met in December '06 and than in January Brian tried to break up with me. We were apart 2 weeks, and when he could not longer resist, re-appeared with flowers and a memorable night at Wash Park Grill.

As that first Valentine's Day approached, Brian, who was still shaky about this whole "relationship" thing declared on night, "Um, well, um, um,um, can we not make a big deal out of this Valentine's Day? I don't like the day, and um, well, um, since we are just figuring things out, well, um...." I, of course agreed.

Driving home that night I laughed at this poor boy who was trying so hard to not recognize our relationship, that I decided in true 'Bree Fashion' I would make him sorry he was being such a baby. On Valentine's Day I decorated his door with tons of banners and left a huge bunch of red and pink balloons in front of his garage so he would have to get out of his car to move them to enter. I laughed all day...see if he ever tries to downplay a Holiday again (which, btw, he never has)

So, as this Valentine's Day is approaching, I was trying to think of what we should do, where we should go to dinner? Those thoughts are always quickly dampened by the fact we shouldn't be wasting money on such silly things when we have new floors and medical bills that need our attention. That said, I came up with the most BRILLIANT Valentine's Day gift- in fact, it is a dual gift, for both of us. So Bri, don't get me anything this year, as that I am getting something for both of us to share.

I am only sorry I have to wait 2 weeks to share my brilliance with him!

Yes, We're alive

I feel like a super blogger...I am getting texts and emails from people saying I haven't posted in since last week and they are worried about me :)

We are doing ok...moments of that blah feeling where you can't quite figure out what is bothering you, or why you are so easily annoyed... until you remember. Moments of not really be all that excited about anything, moments of pretending all is well so you don't seem like the person who likes to throw pity parties. But there are also moments of confidence where things do seem ok, moments when I really do go a whole hour without thinking about it, and moments where I do crack completely inappropriate jokes about the whole situation ( for which only my husband, sister & friend Heidi can appreciate w/o giving me looks of complete & utter horror)

Unfortunately the body takes a while to figure out what has happened...so the exhaustion, sore body parts, & upset stomach unfairly lingers long after it should. The signs and symptoms of pregnancy, which I used to so proudly share with Brian and anyone who would listen, are now unwanted and unappreciated. There is something seriously wrong when you hear/read pregnant people talk of their symptions and you think to yourself, " check, check, yup, I still have those too."

I am also still "counting"...ie, I would have been 11wks yesterday. I did with this the last pregnancy too. Brian would ask,"Why do you torture yourself?", and I couldn't help it. The good news is I no longer do that with the 1st pregnancy, so I can only assume I will lose count with this one as well.

On the upside, I am working with a new acupuncturist. This lady is "the real deal"- even writes her notes in Chinese. She has me on 5 days of a new herb to help cleanse my body...and while I assume she means my uterus, every morning and night I come damn close to cleansing my stomach as that I gag and gag while trying to drink it all down. I am going to see her every week for the next month, than will go every other week until Baby Dew Attempt #4 happens. She snaps her fingers at me and says, "Sure, Sure, this no problem!" I am glad to finally find someone with such confidence in my body!

The gym is also calling, which will start next week. Boo.

On Sat night by sister and nephews were up visiting. I went into our bedroom to check on the boys, who were tucked in our bed watching movies. I said to Coop, "You better not be touching my BB"- which is my childhood blankie and a running joke between us that we are not supposed to snuggle with one another's prized possession. Coop looked at me and said, "Auntie B, your baby is dead, how can I be touching it?". I actually laughed at the misunderstanding, and the complete look of horror Jack gave him. Than Coop said, "Ohhhhhh, your BB. Well, that's not dead. That's right here" he said as he patted the bed, "Silly me! Want it?".....and life goes on.